Monday, May 21, 2012

Random Advice for My Baby Sister

I've been abandoned!  My sister moved to New York!  The horror!  The horror!

Actually, I'm very excited for my baby sister.  She was born and raised in Los Angeles and went to USC for college. (Boo!  Trojans suck!  Go, Bruins!)  Now she's going to graduate school in Manhattan, and it will be an adventure.  Plus, it's not like we are living in the 1800s and relying on the Pony Express for our annual exchange of letters.  Between email, the phone, Skype and airplanes, I think we'll manage to stay in touch.

But still, I think now is an appropriate time to give her some random but important advice:
  • Buy yourself flowers.  If you want tulips, don't sit around waiting for the perfect guy to buy you tulips.   
  • If you try on 20 things and they all suck, don't buy anything.  Just tell the hovering salesperson, "No luck!"  You don't need to explain that the jeans make you feel fat or the pink blouse makes you look like an asshole.
  • Make your bed most mornings.  It will make you feel calm and organized. But, every ten days or so, leave the bed unmade.  If you make your bed 9 out of 10 times, then the 10th time will feel like a luxury.
  • Do not subscribe to any wedding magazines until you are engaged.  (Unless you quit graduate school and become a wedding planner).
  • Go to concerts.  Lots of concerts.  When you hit your 30s, concerts will suddenly seem like an exhausting amount of effort.  Just the thought of standing in the general admission area will fill your soul with anguish and despair.  So go to concerts now and store up some good memories.
  • Ditto for roller coasters.  I used to love Magic Mountain.  Now the thought of a loop-de-loop ride makes me want to puke-de-puke.
  • How to order wine at a restaurant: (1) pick what type of wine you want to drink, e.g. Riesling or Pinot Noir and (2) order the second cheapest bottle on the menu of that type of wine. 
  • It's okay if you lose touch with childhood, high school and college friends.  This does not make you a bad person.  It's just life. 
  • I give you permission to spend Saturday night at home in your pajamas. 
  • I give you permission to spend multiple Saturday nights in a row at home in your pajamas.  
  • Avoid creepy men at all costs.  Even if that means crossing the street and hurting their feelings.  If your gut says "rapist," you must go into preservation mode immediately.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CREEPY MAN'S FEELINGS. 
  • Don't talk on your phone in a public restroom.  (Unless a creepy man followed you into the restroom.  In which case, dial 9-1-1 and prepare to defend yourself with a handful of soap).
Please note: I'm not going to give my sister any fashion advice.  She surpassed me in the fashion department years ago and should be in charge of my wardrobe.  Not only does she own green pants, but the bitch looks hot in them, too.