Friday, May 18, 2012

Adventures With Exercise Pants

I've needed new exercise pants for YEARS, but I kept wearing my Shame Pants: a pair of black spandex pants that are stretched beyond belief and covered in blue paint stains (from a disastrous attempt to paint a kitchen wall).  The Shame Pants were too embarrassing to even consider donating to Goodwill, but I was too lazy/stingy to go shopping for replacements.  So I kept wearing them to the gym.  They seemed good enough for the elliptical machine and stairmaster. 

Then I went to a Zumba class.  About 30 seconds into class, I realized I was in trouble.  Zumba involves lots of jumping, bouncing, hopping and dancing around like a five year old on a sugar high.  My Shame Pants could not handle all of the fancy dance moves.  They kept falling down and exposing several inches of my bright pink undies (because my shame knows no end).  If someone had offered me a pair of suspenders, I would have gratefully put them on.

I thought about leaving the class and heading straight to the mall for new exercise pants.  Everyone would think I was an out-of-shape fattie who could not handle one Zumba class, but that was okay.  I was in grave danger of indecent public exposure and would return when I had suitable clothes. 

But then I saw the pregnant lady.  She was at least 8 months pregnant and doing all the Zumba moves, despite her enormous belly.  My pride kicked in.  I had to outlast the pregnant lady.  So I danced my way through an hour Zumba class.  Everyone else must have been too busy focusing on the moves to pay attention to my bright pink undies (right???)

The next day, I bought new exercise pants.  I bought a sensible pair of black capris and something that's a little less sensible.  Nathan says they look like something you would see on a Richard Simmons video. I take that as a compliment. From the front, they look like normal grey capri pants. But from the back...

They are just like a mullet: business in front, party in back.  My Zumba class better look out.  With pants like these, I should be the instructor.