Thursday, March 20, 2014

Greetings from the mall parking lot!

Roo Bear's molars are coming in and poor girl has been struggling to nap this week. She fell asleep on the way to the mall and I'm not touching her or turning off the car engine until she wakes. Normally I could easily transfer her from her car seat to the Ergo without waking her but I am not taking any chances today! 

Well, not yet, at least. It is lunch time. And my bladder is not exactly made from steel. I have a cheap model, made from doilies and dust bunnies. It's basically a colander. 

But for now, I'm good and so grateful for my iPhone. How did my mom's generation of SAHMs handle the boredom? I try to minimize my use of the iPhone so Pippa doesn't think it's an appendage but when I'm stuck waiting in a mall parking lot while she naps, my iPhone = sanity. I can read on my kindle app, surf the web, run my virtual shopping errands, and of course, blog. 

There's a car nearby with a vanity license plate that reads: ITIPSZ. What does that mean??? Aaahhhh it's driving me crazy. I think it means "I'm tipsy" but that seems like a really dumb thing to put on a license plate. Doesn't that count as a confession to drunk driving? 

ITIPSZ probably is shorthand for something really obvious that my mommy brain can't handle. I am getting plenty of sleep these days (thanks, Roo) but a huge chunk of my brain is devoted to my girl's well being. Yesterday, I stopped at my local Starbucks drive thru while Roo napped. She of course woke and started wailing as I was paying. Distracted, I started to drive away without my drink. Fortunately the barista reacted quickly and shouted for me to wait, but I still had to do the walk of shame back to the window to fetch my drink. 

If you have an indecipherable vanity plate, you should have the decency to post an explanation on a bumper sticker. Otherwise any upstanding citizen should be able to have your lame license plate, and any car attached to said plate, towed to another state. 

The classical station is playing Copland. I dated a guy in college who sneered at Copland for dumbing down music. He also hated the movie Fantasia for the same reason. Well, I don't care if Copland Hater is right or not. Maybe Copland is "too accessible" or "direct" but I love his compositions. They make me feel like I'm on an adventure. Right now, my body is in a parked car at the mall but my soul is exploring the frontier. I love you, Mr. Copland! (And I hate you, ITIPSZ.)

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Mommy merit badges

I believe there should be some sort of Girl Scout-esque organization for mommies. Instead of camping, we would go to spas and instead of selling cookies, we'd eat a lot of cheese. Otherwise it's just like the scouts. We would do craft projects, learn how to fashion a diaper out of twigs and leaves, and braid each other's hair. But really, the whole point of this group can be summed up in two words: merit badges. 

Even though this organization does not yet exist (to my knowledge), I am earning a new mommy merit badge as I draft this blog post on my iPhone: sit in parked car while baby finishes nap. 

Some other mommy merit badges I have earned this past year include:

- ER visit (Pippa got dehydrated from a nasty stomach bug)
- plane trip
- road trip
- reading Go, Dog, Go to the baby for the hundredth time 
- sleep training
- pulling the plug on sleep training
- sleep training, take two
- letting baby sleep in crib while sitting up because doctor says that's fine

Oh, how I long for a green vest decorated with mommy merit badges. Except let's substitute a diaper bag for the vest, ok? Even in the sixth grade, I knew how lame that damn vest was. 

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Green Eggs and the Serial Killer

Pippa loves Green Eggs and Ham (the book, not the cuisine). I have read it aloud to her so many times, I only need about 12% of my brain to read it now. The other 88% of my brain is free to wander and think weird thoughts. 

Sometimes I think about the fact that the two main guys are Sam and the Cranky Guy Who Does Not Like Green Eggs and Ham. Why does only one main character get a name, Dr. Seuss??? We all know the Cranky is the unsung hero of this tale and he should have kicked Sam in the shins. Since you could not be bothered to give this hero a name, Dr. Seuss, I will: Friar Octavius Van Basass. There, that's a much better name than Sam. 

Sometimes I think about the story's message. It seems like the moral of the story is "keep an open mind because you might like green eggs and ham." (Or chess. Or cliff diving or disco. Or polka dot umbrellas and stinky cheese.) But there is also another moral: "browbeat someone enough, and they will finally eat green eggs and ham." (Or have sex when they just want to make out. Or smoke pot because their friends insist. Or go cliff diving or listen to disco.)

Most recently, I found myself thinking about how I would adapt this classic for the silver screen. First, I thought in terms of animation directed by Tim Burton with Johnny Depp as Sam and Bruce Willis Friar Octavius Van Badass. Then I thought, no, this needs to be a live action film with Javier Bardem as the Friar and Amy Poehler as Sam. Can't you see Amy chasing after Javier across the top of a train careening toward a cliff? And then the train crashes into a boat captained by Clint Eastwood?! Best. Movie. Ever. 

But my brain was in a creepy mood that day and my live action romp turned into a serial killer movie. The first victim is killed in a house by a hoard of rabid mice. The next is eaten alive by a fox in a box. And the killer always leaves behind a plate of green eggs and ham. I can't decide if the killer should be played by Kevin Spacey or Javier Bardem but Kevin Costner needs to be the detective investigating the crimes (his wife played by Marisa Tomei.)

Note to self: now would be a good time to give Green Eggs and Ham a break.