Thursday, May 30, 2013

Father's Day

This June, Nathan celebrates his first Father's Day as Pippa's dad - woot woot! I asked Pippa what she wanted to buy Daddy, but she just cooed and then tried to eat her hand. I guess it's up to me to figure out the perfect gift to celebrate Nathan's first year of fatherhood. 

I am looking for something that says "thank you for being such an amazing father to our beautiful baby girl. And thank you for being such a supportive husband as I figure out this whole mommy thing. Thank you for telling me I am beautiful even when I am wearing sweatpants and a formless t-shirt that is covered with spit-up stains. Thank you for soothing Pippa to sleep - you really are magical. And thank you for cutting up my chicken when I'm nursing and famished. You are a freaking rock star of a dad!"

Somehow, I don't think the "world's best dad" will adequately convey this message. Especially since Nathan hates coffee and Diet Coke in a mug is just wrong. 

If I had unlimited resources, I would buy Nathan the following presents for Father's Day:

• a bad ass car, like something James Bond would drive, ejector seat included. 
• a mansion on Maui with a private beach 
• an orangutan 
• a spaceship (red, of course), and last but not least, 
• the St. Louis Cardinals 

Since I can't afford any of these things, I will have to keep brainstorming. But with God as my witness, I will NOT buy him a tie or new socks!

p.s. where does one buy an orangutan? The ones at the zoo are not for sale and the pet store does not have a primate section. Is there a monkey black market ?? 

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

An Open Letter to My House Plants

Dear House Plants,

I am sorry that I killed you. Well, "kill" is a bit too strong of a word, don't you think? That makes it sound like I intentionally poisoned you or threw you into a river or buried you alive. Let's try to maintain some perspective. I didn't throw you into a pit of starving vegans! I just forgot to water you. Let me start over. 

Dear House Plants, 

I'm sorry I neglected you. I realize my neglect led to your untimely deaths but give me a break, I had a baby. Did you know babies are a ton of work? True, my baby is the cutest, sweetest thing in the world but she also generates more laundry than a college football team.  Did you really think I would have time to coddle your chloroform asses? That I would haul your lazy terra-cotta pots to the kitchen sink when I could be cuddling my precious angel? Let me start over. 

Dear House Plants,
WTF? Yeah, I forgot to water you for two months but so freaking what? I could understand a few brown leaves and some strategic wilting to get my attention, but don't you think dying was a bit melodramatic? Talk about cutting the nose to spite the face. It's not like I have the power to bring back the dead! Stupid house plants, I hope you enjoy the landfill. Excuse me, I have to shower my baby with kisses. And when she is a little older, we will buy some better house plants. I never liked your ugly smelly leaves anyway!

With scorn and derision, 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Motherhood Haiku No. 1

Beautiful baby, 
Slumbering on me. 
Crap! I have to pee.