Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Guest Post: Beatrice the B-List Superhero

Have you seen The Avengers yet?  Given its box office records, I assume you have.  I love the movie and have already seen it twice.  But my childhood friend Beatrice?  Not so much.  Beatrice thinks its the worst movie ever.

You see, Beatrice is a crime-fighting superhero and she resents how movies like The Avengers glorify the superhero lifestyle.  I suggested she start a blog so she can educate the public about what it's really like to be a superhero - but Beatrice is too lazy to start a blog.  So then I suggested she write a guest post for The Cranky Pumpkin and ... she agreed!

So today, I give you The Cranky Pumpkin's first ever guest post.  Enjoy!

Hi.  I'm Beatrice, and I'm here to tell you that being a superhero sucks.  Sure, it's great if you are a big time superhero like Batman or Spiderman.  They get comic books, action figures and movies; and they live in posh mansions and have tiger-skin rugs. 

But there are hundreds of superheroes who are not the stars of movies and comic books.  We are the B-list superheroes, and it's our job to keep the streets safe for civilians.  No one has ever heard of us, and we don't get any perks.  We just have to deal with a lot of inconvenient bullshit headaches because you mortals can't stay out of trouble.

I can tell you don't believe me.  You think being a superhero is all glory and games.  It's not!  Do you see my mask?  It's supposed to make me look mysterious and sexy, but it just impairs my vision and makes my face all sweaty. And look what the mask does to my hair!  Do you think a superhero has time to style her hair??  Of course not!  I'm lucky if I can shampoo and condition my hair before I get summoned to save some bitchy prom queen who got herself kidnapped by The Slimegoo or Lord Buttersmart. 

You will not believe what happened to me last week.  I was bidding on a vintage Chanel purse on eBay, and there were just eight minutes left to bidding, when a school bus of children fell off a cliff and I had to go save them.  I would have been able to get home in time to place one final bid on the Chanel purse, but of course, the school children wanted to thank me and pose for photographs.  I just wanted my effing purse! 

Courtney asked me to write a series of guest post for The Cranky Pumpkin, but this will probably be my only post.  I thought it would be cathartic to write about my life as a superhero, but now I just want to punch a wall.  Except if I do that, my entire house will collapse on itself.  Being a superhero is THE WORST.