I can't believe I have to write this post. Folks, it's two-thousand-and- freaking-twelve. As members of a civilized society, we should all know how to watch a movie at a movie theater. (If you live in a remote village in Siberia, this post does not apply to you).
But while I was recently watching the Hunger Games, I was shocked and appalled by the audience's behavior. You know what movie theaters need? Ushers. Big ushers who act as bouncers and evict any rude patrons. But we since we don't have Usher-Bouncers, I give you the Cranky Pumpkin's Rules for Watching A Movie At A Movie Theater In A Civilized Society:
1) TURN OFF YOUR FREAKING CELL PHONE. You stupid idiots, I don't want to hear your Justin Bieber ring tone. You are ruining a sacred experience.
2) NO TEXTING/TWITTER/FACEBOOK/ETC. I see you. I am trying to watch the movie but out of the corner of my eye, I see you and your stupid smart phone, which is glowing like a freaking bonfire. If the theater is dark, we can all see you stupid text message screens AND IT'S REALLY ANNOYING.
3) NO KICKING. Okay, I am in a charitable mood. I understand that accidental seat kicks happen to the best of us. So just be careful and restrict yourself to no more than one kick for every twenty minutes of the film, including previews. But if you feel the need to kick my chair every thirty seconds, I might feel the need to rip your leg from its socket.
4) DO NOT PLAY MUSICAL CHAIRS IN THE THEATER. When you arrive in the theater, first survey your options. Then, pick your seats, sit in your seats, AND STAY THERE. I understand if you need to get up for the bathroom or concession stand. But you don't need to test every seat in the theater. If you sit down and then discover you are sitting next to a man who has not bathed since the Reagan administration, then yes, of course, you should relocate to the other side of the theater. Otherwise, after the movie starts, stay in one place.
5) NO SLURPING, SMACKING, TALKING, BURPING, OR MAKING OF OTHER RUDE SOUNDS. If you feel the need to talk about Aunt Irma's new haircut during the movie, you forfeit the right to watch it on the big screen. Sorry, asshole, you bought one ticket, not the entire theater. You don't get to ruin everyone's day at the movies. Sign up for Netflix.
6) DO NOT LAUGH DURING EMOTIONAL SCENES. Shamefully, I did this once. I laughed as the Titanic was going down. I should have been tarred, feathered and shot in the leg. I know I should forgive the teenagers who feel the need to snicker during the tear jerkers moments - but I can't. You stupid jerks, it's not funny, so shut up.
7) NO FEDORAS OR VIEW-BLOCKING HATS. I'm looking at you, hipsters, and your stupid hat, because it's blocking my view. Take off your hat or I will crush it until you cry. (p.s. your skinny tie and skinny pants look stupid).
8) DO NOT SMELL THE HAIR OF THE PATRON SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU. This happened to me once, and granted, it happened in high school while I was at a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and that was the least scandalous moment of the night, but still, I just wanted to throw this out there: Don't smell my hair.
The Cranky Pumpkin reserves the right to revise these rules at any time. If you are caught breaking these rules, nothing bad will actually happen to you. Except, of course, you will probably go to the seventh level of hell and burn unil the end of time. So there's that.