Monday, April 9, 2012

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: Write A Honeymoon Packing List Immediately (If Not Sooner)

If you are engaged and planning to take a honeymoon that involves a suitcase, I want you to stop whatever you are doing right now.  Unless you are presently dealing with a matter of life or death, in which case, (a) carry on with whatever it is you are doing and (b) why are you reading my blog?  Shouldn't you be dealing with this urgent matter of life or death?  I assure you, the answers to your life/death dilemma cannot be found on The Cranky Pumpkin.

Now, open a new document in your word processor.  Type the words "Honeymoon Packing List."  This is the title of your document.  If you are feeling all fancy pants, you can pick a fun font for your list, like Broadway or Stencil.  I like to use fonts that look like vintage typewriters, but that's just me.  The success of your list does not depend on what font you use.  Times New Roman will work just fine.  Now, save your document as "Honeymoon Packing List."

Still with me?  Okay, good.  Now start listing things you will need to pack for your honeymoon: jeans; sunblock; shit, I'm not writing this list for you.  You know the sorts of thing you have to pack.  If I have to tell you what to pack, I'm sorry, but you have forfeited your right to (a) go on a honeymoon, (b) have a wedding, and (c) be treated as a fully functional human being. 

Just list everything you think you might want to pack.  You might also want to list the things you want your future husband to pack.  (Important marriage tip: if you want your husband to wear his green polo shirt during your honeymoon sunset cruise, tell him.  The wedding band does not impart psychic powers.  Sorry). 

In the months leading up to your wedding, you might think of additional things that you want to bring on your honeymoon.  For example, you might be waiting in line at the grocery store when you have an epiphany: Holy crap!  I need to pack spare batteries for my digital camera when we go on our honeymoon!

Do not panic.  Just write yourself a note or send yourself an email about the spare batteries.  When you have time, add "spare batteries for digital camera" to your honeymoon packing list.

By the time your honeymoon rolls around, you will have a comprehensive list of all the things you have to pack.  You will be exhausted from your wedding, but that's okay.  Armed with your list, you can go on autopilot and your suitcase will practically pack itself. 

Do this now.  Trust me.  Otherwise, you'll forget to pack something crucial.  Like clean underwear.  And do you really want to spend the first day of your honeymoon shopping for undies with your new husband?  I think not.

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings. My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me. Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice. Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure.