Monday, April 2, 2012

If You Make Me Look Like An Ugly Drag Queen On Your Wedding Day, I'll Kill You

Spucky, as you may recall, this is what we looked like on my wedding day (reminder: you're the lady in green):

You were my maid of honor, and as the bride, I could have been a bitch and made you wear The Most Unflattering Dress In The World.  

But I didn't.  Look at you.  I mean seriously, look at how amazing you look in that green dress.  I hope that dress gets a lot of use this summer because damn, it was designed for you. 

When you are a bride, you may choose unflattering dresses for your bridesmaids, like a shiny orange dress that makes everyone, including Miss America, look like a fat deranged pumpkin.  Maybe it will make you feel extra beautiful if you are surrounded by a crowd of ugly women.  And hey, it's your wedding, so if you want bridesmaids in fluorescent dresses with unflattering bows, go for it.

But if you choose to be a bride who makes her bridesmaids wear butt ugly dresses, everyone will know.  All of you wedding guests will think: "That Katherine sure is a bitchy insecure bride.  Look at those awful dresses she made her bridesmaids wear."  And your bridesmaids might smile and pretend they like the dress, but they are lying and secretly plotting your death or at least a way to mortify you in public

Take the high road.  Let your bridesmaids feel beautiful, even if it is your special day.  If you choose a tacky awful bridesmaid dress, that's the only thing anyone will remember about your wedding.

Also, if you make me look like a fat ugly prostitute, I will kill you. 

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings. My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me. Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice. Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure.