Friday, June 29, 2012

A Rant On My Parents' Behalf

My parents are in the Hamptons right now. We were talking on the phone earlier this week and they advised me that (a) they are really upset about something, (b) they want me to write about it on the blog, and (c) they can't remember what they are angry about.

In the interest of being a dutiful daughter, I'm going to try to do my best to express their outrage:

Dear Person(s) - Animal - Place - Object - Natural Phenomenon - Historical Event - Weather System - Whatever The Hell It Is That Irritated My Parents:

Stop it. Stop it right now. I have no idea what you are and/or aren't doing, whatever it is, you are really distressing my parents. They are so offended by your egregious conduct, they cannot even remember what they are upset about. Knock it off! I'm serious! I don't know who or what you are, so I don't know where you live, which means I can't make good on any threats, but if you don't treat my parents better in the future, I will send waves of hostility in your general direction, wherever that may be.

If you are an animal, stop pooping on my parents' lawn. If you are a noisy teenager, stop playing your drums at 4 a.m. If you are the neighbors next door, stop talking loudly about your most recent bowel movement. If you are the weather, please try to be less humid. If you are anything else, just knock it off.

I've got my eye on you, whomever/whatever you are,