Monday, July 2, 2012

Unsolicited Advice For Brides-To-Be: Something Will Go Wrong

Have I ever told you about the time that I saw my calligrapher in her underpants? 

A professional calligrapher addressed our wedding invitations. Since she lived in Pasadena, I was able to drop the invitations off at her apartment. When the invitations were ready to go, we agreed that I would pick them up at her apartment on  Monday morning at 8 a.m.

At 8 a.m., I was standing outside the calligrapher's door, knocking. No answer. I knocked again, and again, and again. No answer, no answer, no answer. I called her cell phone and left a message. After some more knocking and some more not answering, I finally gave up.

Then, as I was leaving, the calligrapher opened her door, said "Sorry!" and scurried away. As I turned back to the apartment, I saw my calligrapher racing back to her bedroom, wearing only a very short t-shirt and a pair of very saggy underpants. As in, "so saggy, I saw more than a glimpse of my calligrapher's butt cheeks." 

I have seen plenty of naked women in gym locker rooms, but I was not prepared to see my calligrapher in her undies. If it was me, I would have (1) shouted an apology, (2) put on my pants, and then (3) opened the door. But that's just me. Maybe my calligrapher is a nudist and she felt overdressed in her undies. 

The vision of my calligrapher in her saggy undies is forever burned into my memory, but at least the invitations were addressed and ready to mail. In planning and preparing the wedding, everything did not go smoothly - but it got done. 

And then, on our wedding day, little things went wrong. For example, when Nathan and I were introduced as an official couple to our guests, the DJ was supposed to play the James Bond theme song. Instead, he played the Star Wars theme. The horror! The horror! I could have thrown a tantrum and decked the DJ with my bouquet, but I was too happy to care about the music.

You can stress all you want about your wedding day, but here's the truth: something will go wrong. In fact, many things will probably go wrong. Accept this now, or you'll give yourself a nervous breakdown as you walk down the aisle. You can't control the weather; you can't stop Uncle Barry from drinking all the vodka; and it's not your fault if someone hates carrot cake. 

But, if you're lucky, you won't see your calligrapher in her saggy underpants.