Friday, December 16, 2011

The Thirteen Stages Of What Happens When You Wear A Distinctive Dress to A Holiday Party And Some Other $%&# Is Wearing The Same Dress

'Tis the season for holiday parties! 

I don't know why I just used the exclamation mark to finish that sentence.  The exclamation mark implies that I love holiday parties, but in my experience, holiday parties suck.  Maybe I would change my mind if I was invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party or an intimate cocktail party hosted by Tina Fey.  But in my experience, "holiday party" is just a nice way to say "obligatory office party that is depressing, awkward and awful." 

You know what's the worst part about holiday parties?  Deciphering the dress code.  Actually, that's probably not the worst part of a holiday party.  The worst part is getting stuck at a table with your least favorite co-workers and then being forced to dance with your boss.  (Not that I'm speaking from experience).  But "deciphering the dress code" is definitely on the list of Twenty Or Thirty Things That Really Suck About Holiday Parties.

And you know what's also on that list?  Wearing a distinctive dress to a holiday party and then some other #$%& is wearing the exact same dress.  The emotional response to this catastrophe is complicated but can be broken down into thirteen stages:

1.  Ignorance: You wear a distinctive dress to a holiday party.

2.  More ignorance: You are having a good time.  Someone compliments your dress.

3.  Awareness: Someone walks by and oh my god she's wearing my dress.

4.  Rage: That bitch.

5.  Insecurity: Is she thinner than me?

6.  Denial: That's okay, I still look hot in this dress.  

7.  Self-consciousness: Everyone knows.  They have all seen  that we are wearing the same dress.  That's all they can talk about.  Everyone in this ballroom/conference room/aquarium is debating who looks better in my dress: me or that bitch.

8.  Reasonableness: Stop being so paranoid.

9.  Despair: Oh my god, why is she wearing my dress???

10.  Alcohol: This alcohol tastes good.

11.  More Alcohol: Soooooo goooood.

12.  Forgetfulness: I really like waffles.

13.  The Next Day: Oh, it was so hilarious, I was my office's holiday party, and I was wearing the same dress as the boss' wife! Isn’t that a funny coincidence?

Wearing the same dress as another party goer is not a faux pas, but it certainly feels like one.  This year, I hope the Fashion Gods are kind and protect you from this disaster.  If not, I recommend hiding behind a Christmas tree with a big glass of egg nog.  Happy holiday parties! 

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