Wednesday, December 21, 2011

O Fake Christmas Tree!

I love our fake Walmart Christmas tree.  Every year, we assemble it Thanksgiving weekend and leave it up until the New Year; and we never have to worry about a dead Christmas tree inferno.  I know some people love trekking to a Christmas tree lot to pick out their tree, but I've never been one of those people. 

These are some of the reasons I hate buying a tree from the lot:

1.  All of the trees are flawed - they either lean like the Tower of Pisa or have a big unsighty hole. 

2.  You have to tie the damn thing to the roof of your car and drive it home.  Seriously?  This is legal? 

3. You have to drag the tree through your house, leaving a trail of damp pine needles.  And no matter how many times you vacuum the mess, you will still be finding rogue needles in July.

4.  When you set the tree up, it's never the right size.  It's either too big for the room, and you have to decapitate it.  Or, it's ludicrously small and just looks sad.  

5.  After you decorate the tree, you have to water it every day or two.  In order to water the tree, you have to shimmy under the branches on your belly and get poked in the face by a thousand needles.  And when you shimmy under the tree, the branches shake and ornaments fall.  The fragile glass ornamnets especially enjoy falling.  There's nothing quite like a broken Christmas ornament to bring out one's inner Grinch.   

The fake Christmas tree eliminates all of these problems.  If you miss the smell of pine or the "fun" of going to a tree lot, just wander around your local tree lot and buy a wreath.  It's cheaper and much more civilized.

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