Tuesday, October 18, 2011

You Know the House With the Best Halloween Candy? That's My House.

I take my responsibilities as a distributor of Halloween candy very, very, very seriously.  I will not be the neighbor with the melted Almond Joys and broken erasers.  Or, worse, the lonely lady who distributes raisins and then her cat Muffin runs outside and everyone has to spend the next twenty minutes trying to get Muffin out of a tree.

No, we only distribute the good stuff:

You can't just have one or two offerings if you want to be the best house on the block and we will be the best house on the block.  Kids will talk about our candy for weeks.   

So, of course, we have the Reese's variety pack, which includes Reese's Pieces.  The pack only has 185 candy packs, so I'm deeply a little anxious that we don't have enough.  And why is it so hard to find full-sized packages of Reese's Pieces throughout the year?  Hasn't everyone seen E.T.?  It should be required viewing for all children: you can't start kindergarten until you have been vaccinated for polio and watched E.T. at least three times.  Hoards of children should be demanding better access to Reese's Pieces.  

We're also distributing Salted Nut Rolls (that's the bag in the middle).  These are a Midwest candy that my husband, a Nebraska native, ordered online.  Folks, this is a very special treat.  We're probably the only house in Pasadena with miniature Salted Nut Rolls.  At my house, we're not just giving away candy.  We are fostering a greater appreciation for the candy culture of the Midwest.   

Now that we have our candy, I have to think about our distribution strategy.  I always try to adhere to a plan - e.g. I will hand two candies to each trick-or-treater - but ever year, I end up improvising.  A three-year-old Tinkerbell shouts "Twick or Tweet," my heart melts, and I give her unlimited access to the candy bowl. 

But not everyone gets to choose their Halloween candy.  My Halloween candy bowl is like an exclusive club, and I'm the bouncer.  When a gang of surly adolescents dressed up as surly adolescents pounds on my front door, I hand them one candy each and swat away their hands if they reach for the bowl.  

Hey, if you want the Snickers bar, you have to earn it.

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