Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I Really Hate The Overhead Bins

The airlines of the world need to unite and outlaw passengers from storing suitcases in the overhead bins.  Let's limit the use of overhead bins to the following items: jackets, extra blankets and pillows, the flight attendants' luggage, and belligerent/scary passengers who need to be cuffed and stowed somewhere safe. 

The overhead bins awful-ize the entire process of boarding and unboarding the plane.  (Can you spot the word I just invented??)  Putting a suitcase in an overhead bin should not be that difficult, but apparently for some people, it is the biggest ordeal in the world.  Here are a few passengers that can be spotted on every flight:

(1) A weakling only capable of lifting five pounds, max, who has a carry-on bag that weighs about 80 pounds.  The weakling tries to hoist the suitcase into the overhead bin and instead drops it on top of my head.  A burly man offers to help, but the weakling insists upon trying again.  This time, the weakling falls backwards, and about ten passengers standing in the aisle are knocked over like dominoes.  Finally, the weakling agrees that maybe he is anatomically incapable of getting his suitcase into the overhead bin and accepts some assistance.

(2) A passenger sitting in Seat 30D gets to Row 30 and discovers all of the overhead bin space directly above her seat has been claimed.  There is plenty of overhead bin space available starting with Row 32, but this will not do.  Although there are about 40 people blocking the aisle behind her, the passenger insists that everyone back up so she can put her suitcase in the overhead bin space above Row 21.   Because she is the most important person on the plane. The flight attendant is never around when this is happening. 

(3) And then there's the person who puts their suitcase in the overhead compartment, sits down, and then remembers Oh no, I forgot my chewing gum!  WHY THE HELL IS YOUR CHEWING GUM IN YOUR SUITCASE?  COULDN'T YOU THINK ABOUT THIS WHILE YOU WERE SITTING IN THE TERMINAL?  IS YOUR PACK OF CHEWING GUM REALLY TOO BIG TO FIT IN YOUR POCKET???  Oh, I hate these people so much.  They just stand and block the entire aisle while they rummage through their f***ing suitcase, because their comfort is 1000x more important than, God forbid, an on-time departure.

And while I'm ranting, let's talk about safety. Does anyone actually think the overhead bins are safe? In the event of an aggressive turbulence pocket, do you really think all of those overhead bin doors are going to stay shut? And how do you think it's going to feel when you get hit in the head with a 40 pound suitcase? (Spoiler alert: it's going to hurt. So much.)

Humanity had its chance.  We have tried using the overhead bins for carry-on baggage and it just doesn't work.  We have therefore forfeited our right to use the overhead bins.

On the day the airlines of the world unite and ban the use of overhead bins for passenger luggage, I am going to throw a party.  I'm not talking about a party with some cake and stale potato chips.  I'm talking about a party with a moon bounce and a margarita machine and maybe a magician.  It's going to be the most awesome party ever, and you are all invited.

Unfortunately, I don't think the airlines will ever give me an excuse to throw my awesome party.  (Damn.  I knew I should have hired a moon bounce for my wedding).