Friday, November 18, 2011

Worst. Fortune. Ever.

It seems like as I get older, I just keep getting angrier and angrier at my fortune cookies.  You would think I'd have learned by now that the fortune cookies is not actually going to tell me my fortune.  But I always feel a twinge of hope and excitement as I crack open the cookie.  And sometimes, I get an exciting fortune, like this:

My lost treasure will be found within the month?  Holy crap!  I didn't know I had any lost treasure.  Maybe I was a pirate in a former life and there's buried treasure beneath the lemon tree in the backyard.  Where's my shovel??  We're all going to be rich!!!

But most of the time, my "fortune" is actually just a piece of advice.  Case in point:

I can handle this sort of advice.  Take a vacation?  No problem! But last week, I got a fortune that made me bat sh** crazy.  I was ready to throw my table over and start a riot.  Take a look at this crap:

You will have some choices to make???  Oh my god, seriously?  I'm going to have some choices to make?  Because it has been years since I had a choice to make.  Oh, wait a second.  I just remembered - I MAKE CHOICES EVERY DAY.  I chose to get out of the bed.  I chose to have Chinese food for lunch.  And I chose to open this stupid lousy "fortune" cookie. 

And, ethical behavior this week will benefit me in the long run?  Who the hell does this fortune cookie think it is?  And why is it so concerned by my ethics??  Does the fortune cookie actually think I might be a serial killer, and this piece of timely advice will help me see the error of my murderous ways?  If anything, this "fortune" just makes me want to do something unethical in order to spite the cookie.

Excuse me.  There's a fortune cookie factory that I need to go picket.

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