Monday, February 20, 2012

Unsolicited Advice For Brides-to-Be: You Have To Be In A Committed Relationship With Your Deodorant

You trust your groom.  But do you trust your deodorant? 

Spucky, I know your to-do list is formidable, but I need you to take a moment and think about your armpits.  Are they sweaty?  Are they smelly?  Did your deodorant stain your favorite cardigan last week? 

And maybe your armpits are well-behaved right now, as you sit in an air conditioned office and drink a refreshing iced beverage.  But what are they like at 1 a.m. in a crowded bar?  What are they like at midnight after you have spent all night dancing in a bridesmaid dress? What are they like when you are doing something really stressful? 

You need to make sure that on the Big Day, your deodorant is going to do its job.  You have to be 100% certain of this.  Not 80% certain.  Not 95% certain.  Not 99.99% certain.  You need to be ONE FREAKING HUNDRED PERCENT certain that your deodorant will keep your armpits gloriously fresh until the bitter end of the reception.

If you are harboring even a scintilla of doubt about your deodorant, it is time to start auditioning new brands.  Have faith.  If you persevere, and keep an open mind, you will find your soulmate deodorant.  Hey, maybe you need to use a generic brand in ugly packaging or something made from organic goji berries.  Maybe your armpits are crying for man deodorant.  There are tons of options.  When it comes to choosing a deodorant for the Big Day, don't settle for something that will crap out on you halfway through the reception.

The Holy Grail of deodorants is Fresh Sugar Roll-On Deodorant Antiperspirant.  As I write this, it retails for $18.  That might seem like a lot of money for a stick of deodorant, but it is made from crushed unicorn horns and stardust.  Okay, that's a lie.  I made that up.  But this stuff is so good, it might as well be made from unicorn horns and stardust. 

Spucky, please, do not neglect your deodorant.  No one wants to be the bride with sweaty armpits.

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings.  My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me.  Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice.  Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure.