Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Abandoned Furniture Myth

I enjoy looking at "home tour" photo spreads in magazines and blogs.  It's fun and inspiring to see how different people decorate their houses.  Usually, I just admire the pictures.  I'm not interested in reading about Jane Doe's decorating philosophy.  But, if I see a piece of furniture or artwork that I like, I check the caption to see where it is from.  This is a bad idea.  If I like a piece of furniture, it's never from Crate and Barrel or Pottery Barn.  Oh no, that would be too easy.  Nine out of ten times, if I like something, the owner claims that they just happened to find the item on the street.

Are you kidding me?  In my 33 years, I have seen a lot of abandoned furniture and it was all TOTAL AND COMPLETE CRAP.  People don't just abandon a $6000 couch on the curb.  No, if they have a $6000 couch that they no longer want, they sell it or give it to a loved one.

If you find a free couch, it will look like this:

If someone has an amazing dining room table or a gorgeous wardrobe, and they claim they found it in an alley, you know what I think?  THAT PERSON IS LYING.  That person has a trust fund and is too embarrassed to admit she spent $45,000 at an auction for a freaking wardrobe.  So, when her house is featured in a magazine, and the editor asks where she got the wardrobe, she lies and says that she found it abandoned on the street.  

BULL.  CRAP.  The only thing you ever find on the street is this:

No one just leaves a leather armchair on the curb.  The only thing that gets abandoned is a crappy old lounge chair that will collapse if you even think about sitting on it. 

The magazines and blogs have given me a complex.  I feel as if someday, if I just have enough faith, I will find the most incredible piece of furniture waiting patiently for me on a curb.  But apparently my faith is weak, because the only free furniture I ever find is total, complete and utter GARBAGE. 

I have found a new purpose in life: to liberate mankind from the "abandoned furniture myth."