Monday, January 16, 2012

Concerns and Apprehensions: The BBQ Lighter Edition

This post is about this thingee:

I'm not certain what it's proper name is - heck, I don't even know if it has a name - but let's call it "the BBQ Igniter."  If you pull the trigger, a flame ignites from the end of the black tube.  It's basically the mother of all matches.  I use it to light candles because I'm lazy that way.

This particular BBQ Igniter is dead.  When I shake it, I can hear some fluid sloshing around, and if I pull the trigger, it smells like smoke; but it no longer produces a flame. 

So what am I supposed to do with it?

Obviously, it's garbage.  I'm not going to bronze or frame the dead BBQ Igniter.  But how do I get rid of it? 

I'm not trying to be cute or clever.  I know that garbage goes in the garbage can.  But although broken, the BBQ Igniter was designed for one purpose: to start fires.  It still emits a little smoke when I pull the trigger.  I'm not putting this thing in my trash can!  What if it starts to work again?  Oh sure, it's broken now, but my broken hair dryer recently came back from the dead.  Maybe this is a zombie BBQ Igniter, and it will awaken when I bury it in the trash can. Then, what if the the weight of the garbage forces the trigger down, thereby sparking a flame?  I could burn down the entire neighborhood!

I guess I could wait until trash day and then quickly toss the Zombie BBQ Igniter in the trash can when I hear the garbage truck.  Then, the BBQ Igniter would never have a chance to ignite my trash.

But the guilt would destroy me.

I would always wonder: where is the BBQ Igniter?  Buried in a landfill?  Is it really safe?

Then, if a fire starts in a landfill, I will know that the BBQ Igniter is to blame.  And knowing my luck, the BBQ Igniter won't spark some tiny flame that is easily managed with a fire extinguisher.  It will create an inferno that captures the nation's attention, forces thousands to evacuate, and threatens a wildlife sanctuary for baby pandas. 

There will be an inquiry, and the fire investigator will gravely announce that the fire of the century was started by a broken BBQ Igniter.  The fire investigator will hold up the evil device, and though it is charred and melted, I will recognize it immediately.  No one will be able to trace the BBQ Igniter back to me, but I'll come forward and be sentenced to a lifetime in a federal security prison.


I cannot be haunted by these possibilities.  So, instead of throwing out the BBQ Igniter, I will stash it in our garage's darkest corner.  Someday, we will sell this house and move.  When we move, I'll "forget" to pack the BBQ Igniter.  Muhahaha!  Let the future owners of my house figure out how to deal with the damn thing.