Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Gator Wrestling

Warning: photo heavy post!

While we were at Gatorland, Nathan and I watched one of the shows. The show starts with a couple of guys bantering. One of them showed off his skills with a whip. It seemed like the sort of show you might watch at any zoo or amusement park.
Except wait, holy eff, what the crap is he doing? What is he pulling out of the moat?!
Where are you taking that thing? You realize you are holding the tail of an alligator??? What do you possibly think you are going to do with a mother-effing-gator?
Oh, of course, I should have known. You are going to sit on the alligator. Because that looks totally safe.

STOP THAT. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. I am so going to tell your mother and you are going to be totally grounded for at least a month.
No. NO. You are not opening the mouth of the alligator. I refuse to believe that you are opening the mouth of the alligator just so the audience can admire its teeth. How much is the minimum wage rate in Florida? I hope Gatorland is giving you the best damn health insurance in the universe BECAUSE YOUR FACE IS INCHES AWAY FROM AN OPEN ALLIGATOR MOUTH AND IF YOU GET YOUR NOSE CHOMPED OFF, I AM NOT GOING TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

Are you trying to make me pee my pants? (Because if so, congratulations: mission accomplished).
Well, this is an improvement. You are still sitting on the gator, which makes you the dumbest person in the state of Florida, but at least you've closed its mouth.
So what are you going to do now?

 Holy bleeping bleepity bleep shit.
Son, you realize you are holding a gator's mouth open with your chin?
I feel like this is an important question, so I am going to repeat myself: YOU REALIZE YOU ARE HOLDING A MOTHER-EFFING-GATOR'S MOUTH OPEN WITH YOUR TINY WEAK ASS CHIN???
Please don't do that.
Look, this is what you are need to do: put your hands back on the ground; take your chin away from the scary gator mouth; tie the beast up with chains; and then lock it into a dungeon until the end of time.

This looks like a good idea. Let's put the gator down for a nap. It's night-night time!

Are you completely bat shit insane? Don't walk away from it! What if the gator is pretending to sleep? He is lulling you into a false sense of security AND THEN HE IS GOING TO BITE YOUR NUTS OFF.

Sir, I'm not kidding. I can tell the gator is faking. Your nuts = gator snack.

Oh good, this seems like an intelligent way to end the show. Just wake the gator up and let him run around the stage angry. Now why don't we release the gator into the crowds and see how many tourists he can slaughter before someone takes him down with a flame thrower.

But seriously: the Gator Wrestling show at Gatorland is AWESOME. I would totally visit it again. However, the next time we go to Orlando, we'll have Baby Girl, and I can't let Baby Girl see this show. No child of mine needs to think of Gator Wrestling as a fun and whimsical activity.

And for the record: I did not actually pee my pants while watching this show or walking around any of the Gatorland attractions. However, when I visited the ladies restroom, I was deeply concerned that an escaped gator might be lurking in the toilets.