Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Baby Onesies

So far, I have exercised excellent restraint in the baby clothes department - but man, it's been hard. Baby clothes are so freaking cute! I've been browsing the baby onesies on Etsy, and holy crap, I'm in trouble. Maybe I'll just live in a flour sack and dedicate our 2013 wardrobe budget to Baby Girl's onesies collection. 

But for now, I'm just admiring the baby onesies. There are many onesies that make me swoon, like this and this and this. But there are also some onesies that annoy and disturb me. These are a few alarming trends I've noticed:

  • Fifty Shades of Grey: People actually make and sell baby onesies that refer to Fifty Shades of Grey. Are you $%&ing kidding me? How deranged do you have to be to let your child wear that? Whenever I see this type of onesie, I think about Susie from Curb Your Enthusiasm chewing out Larry and Jeff. Watch this montage if you want to understand my rage. (If you are not familiar with Susie's potty mouth, be warned that this montage should not be watched at work or while in the company of a nun.)
  • Poop Jokes: Look, I know baby's poop a lot, but let's not parade our babies around in onesies that make poop jokes. Leave the baby a shred of dignity for God's sake.
  • Politics: Whatever your politics may be, please do not treat your baby as a billboard for your political agenda. It's just creepy.
  • Onesies About Parents, Grandparents, etc.: I hate baby onesies that say "I love Mommy" or "My Aunt Is Hot And Single." A baby onesie should not be used as a way to bolster one's self-esteem. Let's just stick to the onesies with cute images of elephants and ducks, okay?
  • Hateful Sports-Related Onesies: I have no problem with baby's wearing clothes for their parents' favorite teams. Baby Girl will probably wear a ton of Huskers gear in the fall. However, I have also seen onesies that say stuff like "F___ the Yankees" or "Mizou Sucks." That's not cool, my friends, not cool at all.