Holy crap, it's November! Which means it's time to start buying holiday gifts (unless you are one of those freaks who enjoy the mad scramble at the mall on December 24th).
I love giving gifts, but some gifts are more successful than others. These are a few rules I have adopted:
Rule One: Do Not Fall Into The Hobby Trap
If the gift recipient has a particular passion, you must assume that he or she already owns all of the essential items associated with that passion.
Let's say you are buying a gift for Uncle Phil, and Uncle Phil loves golf more than anything. Genius idea: buy Uncle Phil a new golf bag! WRONG, because Uncle Phil already owns a golf bag that he loves and he does not want the crappy cheap golf bag you bought on sale at the drugstore.
Exception to Rule One:
It's okay to buy a small, gimmick gift for a person with a passion. For example, you can buy Uncle Phil a box of UCLA novelty golf balls. Golf balls are small, so they will not monopolize a huge chunk of real estate in Uncle Phil's garage. More importantly, golf balls get lost and need to be replaced all the time.
Another Exception to Rule One:
If you know that Uncle Phil has been coveting a particular golf club for the past decade, but he's too cheap to make the investment, then go ahead and make the splurge for him.
Rule Two: When In Doubt, Buy Something That Will Be Used And Then Thrown Out
Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but listen up: even the most thoughtful, well-intentioned gift giver will sometimes give a crappy present. It happens. You find the most magnificent vase and you are convinced that your friend Betty will love it. And when she unwraps the present, Betty pretends she loves it even though she secretly thinks it's the most butt ugly vase she has ever seen. But since it is a vase, Betty feels obligated to keep and display it for the rest of her life. And that vase will be indestructable and survive earthquakes, tornadoes and toddler tantrums. And whenever Betty sees that vase, she is going to resent you just a little bit.
If you don't want to saddle your friend with a gift that she will secretly hate, buy a consumable product with a short life span. A candle burns, burns and goes in the trash. T-shirts and socks are worn, worn and added to the rag pile. Golf balls get hit, hit and sliced into the woods.
Of course, this is not a blank check to give your grandmother a roll of toilet paper and a box of crackers for Hannukah.
Rule Three: There Is Nothing Wrong With the Gift of Money:
I know a lot of people feel like slackers when they give money and gift cards as gifts, but a gift card is like manna from heaven. Repeat after me: You are not a slacker if you give money or a gift card; you are not a slacker if you give money or a gift card; you are not a slacker if you give money or a gift card!
Exception to Rule Three:
Gift cards are wonderful... unless you give a very small denomination to a very expensive store.
Acceptable: Giving a $5 Starbucks gift card as part of the office Secret Santa gift exchange.
Unacceptable: Giving your parents a $10 gift card to a furniture store.
Rule Four: Do Not Give A Messy Or Noisy Gift To A Child (Unless You Hate The Child's Parents):
Oh, that toy drum set is so precious, I simply must buy it for Little Suzy! If you buy the drum set, then a teenage rock band will start practicing EVERY NIGHT in your neighbor's garage.
Jimmy will have so much fun with this 10 gallon water gun! And if you buy the water gun, Jimmy's dad is going to fill it with acid and take fire at your prize azaleas.
Ant farms are so cool! I always wanted one when I was a kid! Then why don't you buy one for your house, you dumb ass, and let the ants engineer a jail break in your living room?
Exception to Rule Four:
There are no exceptions to Rule Four.
Rule Five: Gifts Should Not Be Alive
Don't give your friend a cat (even if you think she is destined to die alone) and don't bring your parents a live chicken to roast for dinner.
Exception to Rule Five:
A small houseplant.
Note: a goldfish is NOT a small houseplant.
Rule Six: Do Not Buy A Decorative Item As A Present Unless You Are 110% Confident That You And The Recipient Have Identical Taste In Said Item
I have to remind myself about this rule constantly. It's so easy to buy a little decorative doodad as a gift, but this is the problem with doodads: when you pick a decorative gift, it's always going to be something you like. As you select the gift, you might try to anticipate what the recipient will like but you are doing so through your own biased sense of style.
I used to buy my mom doodads all the time: a paper weight for Mother's Day; a clock for her birthday; a decorative tray for Christmas. My mom always made space to display these gifts and then I got my own home and realized Mom was just being nice. She liked the doodads, but not as much as the doodads that she herself chose when she went shopping. A home only has a finite space for displaying doodads, so by giving my mom doodads, I was restricting her ability to display her favorite doodads.
Unless you know that the recipient is going to cherish the China Panda Clock until her dying breath, it's safer to just buy her a book about pandas.
Exception to Rule Six: Picture Frames
Sometimes, if you are giving a photograph as a gift, it's nice to include a frame; but think of the frame as expensive packaging. If the recipient decides to swap the photo into a different frame, let it go, it's just a freaking frame.
Another Exception to Rule Six and Then I Swear, I'm Done With This Post:
Sometimes, you know exactly what the recipient wants. When I was a kid, my mom loved a certain china pattern. She admired it whenever we passed it at a store but never bought herself anything in that pattern, not even a salt shaker. When I got my driver's license, I drove myself to the mall and bought the exact bowl that my mom had been coveting for years and when I gave it to her for Mother's Day, she flipped.
However, at this point, I don't know what china (if any) that my mom is secretly coveting, so I will not be buying her china for Christmas. I don't want her to be stuck with a sugar bowl that she secretly hates.
The Cranky Pumpkin reserves the right to alter, amend or adjust these rules at any time.
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Monday, November 5, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Take Down Your Christmas Decorations! Immediately! If Not Sooner!
Every neighborhood has that house. The house that has a car parked on the lawn, a pile of junk in the driveway, broken windows, and a tarp that has been on the roof since the 80s. When those neighbors put up their Christmas decorations, you know Santa's plastic butt will still be sticking out of the chimney in July.
But this year, an egregious number of houses in my neighborhood are still decorated for Christmas. Houses with well-manicured lawns and freshly painted shutters are still decorated as if it's December 24th. PEOPLE, IT'S LATE JANUARY PUT AWAY YOUR DECORATIONS ALREADY.
I am willing to overlook the houses that leave up a strand of Christmas lights all year. It does not matter how carefully you put away the lights: little demons will sneak into your garage and tie the strands into knots. And putting up the lights is a dangerous task which can result in back injuries and/or divorce. If a family decides to avoid these liabilities by keeping up the lights all year, more power to them.
But that doesn't mean you can leave a three foot Santa statue on your front porch all year. And yes, red is the color of both Christmas and Valentine's Day, but Cupid is not interested in the plastic candy canes lining yor driveway. PUT THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AWAY. If you have the time and energy to put the decorations out after Thanksgiving, then surely you can find a way to put them away no later than January 15th. That's right, I am giving you until January 15th to put the decorations away. I believe I am being very reasonable, even generous, with the January 15 deadline. If you want to procrastinate for two full weeks after the ball drops at Times Square, have at it. I will not judge you.
But, if your lights are up after January 15, that is a Christmas Decorations FOUL and you will be cited by the Christmas Decorations Police. Now, put your stockings and Christmas trees away before I get really mad.
But this year, an egregious number of houses in my neighborhood are still decorated for Christmas. Houses with well-manicured lawns and freshly painted shutters are still decorated as if it's December 24th. PEOPLE, IT'S LATE JANUARY PUT AWAY YOUR DECORATIONS ALREADY.
I am willing to overlook the houses that leave up a strand of Christmas lights all year. It does not matter how carefully you put away the lights: little demons will sneak into your garage and tie the strands into knots. And putting up the lights is a dangerous task which can result in back injuries and/or divorce. If a family decides to avoid these liabilities by keeping up the lights all year, more power to them.
But that doesn't mean you can leave a three foot Santa statue on your front porch all year. And yes, red is the color of both Christmas and Valentine's Day, but Cupid is not interested in the plastic candy canes lining yor driveway. PUT THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AWAY. If you have the time and energy to put the decorations out after Thanksgiving, then surely you can find a way to put them away no later than January 15th. That's right, I am giving you until January 15th to put the decorations away. I believe I am being very reasonable, even generous, with the January 15 deadline. If you want to procrastinate for two full weeks after the ball drops at Times Square, have at it. I will not judge you.
But, if your lights are up after January 15, that is a Christmas Decorations FOUL and you will be cited by the Christmas Decorations Police. Now, put your stockings and Christmas trees away before I get really mad.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Off to Nebraska!
Yes, you read that right - I am off to Nebraska for the holidays! My husband grew up in a small town of 1,600 in rural Nebraska. We are spending the holidays with my new in-laws. (I have scheduled some posts for next week in case you are desperate for a Cranky Pumpkin fix.)
Today, we fly to Omaha. Earlier this year, there was a direct flight between Los Angles and Omaha. And this is fabulous because who wants to make a connection, especially during the holiday travel season? But, alas, the airline cancelled the direct flight (AAARGGHH) so we will be flying to Omaha via Dallas. Take a look at a U.S. map - you will note that the path from L.A. to Omaha via Dallas is not exactly a direct route. In fact, some would say it is an extremely indirect route. Oh well, such is life.
At Eppley Airfield, aka the Omaha airport, I will watch for our baggage while Nathan secures the rental car. Then, we have to walk outside to get the car, and this will be the coldest walk of my life. Holy crap, just thinking about the walk makes me shiver. I went to college in middle-of-nowhere-New Hampshire, and I took some long, cold walks across the campus at 3 a.m. in February because that is what stupid dumbass college students do. But the walk from the baggage claim area to the rental car lot at the Omaha airport is colder.
Then, we will drive into Nebraska because the Omaha airport is actually in Iowa. (Duh). We will drive to my mother-in-law's house in an Omaha suburb and spend the next twenty-one hours at her place, eating cookies, opening presents, eating more cookies, and eating a Christmas Eve holiday lunch.
In my family, we always celebrate Christmas Eve with my Aunt Berta's lasagna. Let me tell you about Aunt Berta's lasagna: it's amazing. There's also a pink frothy jello casserole thing which should be terrible but is hauntingly delicious. So, I should spend Christmas Eve pining for the traditional food I grew up with, but fortunately, my mother-in-law is an excellent cook. She makes a dumpling dish that I think about all year. Dumplings for lasagna is a fair trade.
After we are fortified with dumplings and handed bags of cookies, we will depart for rural Nebraska. It's a 3 hour drive from Omaha to my husband's hometown, but we will make various detours for holiday celebrations - there's Christmas Eve dinner with the paternal grandparents in one town; Christmas Day lunch with the maternal grandparents in another town; and then we will finally drive to Nathan's hometown.
Are you still reading? If so, here are some photos of rural Nebraska that I took while we were driving through the countryside during December 2009. The photos might be a little blurry, because I took them while Nathan was driving. There's no "parking the car and admiring the view and considering the best angle for your photograph" in Nebraska in December. The car is warm; the air outside is snot-freezing cold. You take what photos you can from the moving vehicle, and you hope that a few are okay.
With that said, this is what the drive in December from Omaha to Small Town, Nebraska looks like:
Today, we fly to Omaha. Earlier this year, there was a direct flight between Los Angles and Omaha. And this is fabulous because who wants to make a connection, especially during the holiday travel season? But, alas, the airline cancelled the direct flight (AAARGGHH) so we will be flying to Omaha via Dallas. Take a look at a U.S. map - you will note that the path from L.A. to Omaha via Dallas is not exactly a direct route. In fact, some would say it is an extremely indirect route. Oh well, such is life.
At Eppley Airfield, aka the Omaha airport, I will watch for our baggage while Nathan secures the rental car. Then, we have to walk outside to get the car, and this will be the coldest walk of my life. Holy crap, just thinking about the walk makes me shiver. I went to college in middle-of-nowhere-New Hampshire, and I took some long, cold walks across the campus at 3 a.m. in February because that is what stupid dumbass college students do. But the walk from the baggage claim area to the rental car lot at the Omaha airport is colder.
Then, we will drive into Nebraska because the Omaha airport is actually in Iowa. (Duh). We will drive to my mother-in-law's house in an Omaha suburb and spend the next twenty-one hours at her place, eating cookies, opening presents, eating more cookies, and eating a Christmas Eve holiday lunch.
In my family, we always celebrate Christmas Eve with my Aunt Berta's lasagna. Let me tell you about Aunt Berta's lasagna: it's amazing. There's also a pink frothy jello casserole thing which should be terrible but is hauntingly delicious. So, I should spend Christmas Eve pining for the traditional food I grew up with, but fortunately, my mother-in-law is an excellent cook. She makes a dumpling dish that I think about all year. Dumplings for lasagna is a fair trade.
After we are fortified with dumplings and handed bags of cookies, we will depart for rural Nebraska. It's a 3 hour drive from Omaha to my husband's hometown, but we will make various detours for holiday celebrations - there's Christmas Eve dinner with the paternal grandparents in one town; Christmas Day lunch with the maternal grandparents in another town; and then we will finally drive to Nathan's hometown.
Are you still reading? If so, here are some photos of rural Nebraska that I took while we were driving through the countryside during December 2009. The photos might be a little blurry, because I took them while Nathan was driving. There's no "parking the car and admiring the view and considering the best angle for your photograph" in Nebraska in December. The car is warm; the air outside is snot-freezing cold. You take what photos you can from the moving vehicle, and you hope that a few are okay.
With that said, this is what the drive in December from Omaha to Small Town, Nebraska looks like:
Thursday, December 22, 2011
My Secret Christmas Wish List
When I was little, one of the best parts about Christmas was the Sears Wish Book. My brother and I flipped through the catalog and initialed the toys that we wanted for Christmas. I would try to be conservative and initial just a reasonable number of gifts. But then I got drunk on the pages and pages of toys - doll houses! ant farms! boardgames! stuffed animals! microscopes! swing sets! And like a drunken frat boy, I would black out and initial about 370 different toys.
It was not the best strategy. Did I really expect Santa to deliver 370 toys? I was a pretty good kid, but no one is that good. I should have initialed, at most, ten or twelve toys, and maximized my chances of getting the toys that I really wanted.
Sears still publishes the Wish Book, but I stopped initialing its pages years ago. And if I did initial its pages today, I'd mark boring crap, like a humidifier, new dust buster, and a soap dispenser. (If I was feeling really sassy, I'd initial a set of metal shelves for the garage).
But even though I've grown up, I still have an unattainable wish list. I suppose you could say I've graduated from the Sears Wish Book. This year, I secretly covet:
- A Segway (but I would graciously accept a golf cart, dune buggy or a mint green Vespa).
- A confetti cannon (a girl should always be ready to make a dramatic entrance).
- A copy of Thump, Thump, Thump, one of my favorite books when I was a child. It's out of print now. Maybe Santa will steal the library's copy for me?
As you can see, I have matured. My secret wish list does not include an Italian villa, a pet dinosaur or dinner with Benjamin Franklin. Its short and very practical. Santa should be able to fit these gifts down my chimney easily.
It was not the best strategy. Did I really expect Santa to deliver 370 toys? I was a pretty good kid, but no one is that good. I should have initialed, at most, ten or twelve toys, and maximized my chances of getting the toys that I really wanted.
Sears still publishes the Wish Book, but I stopped initialing its pages years ago. And if I did initial its pages today, I'd mark boring crap, like a humidifier, new dust buster, and a soap dispenser. (If I was feeling really sassy, I'd initial a set of metal shelves for the garage).
But even though I've grown up, I still have an unattainable wish list. I suppose you could say I've graduated from the Sears Wish Book. This year, I secretly covet:
- A Segway (but I would graciously accept a golf cart, dune buggy or a mint green Vespa).
- A confetti cannon (a girl should always be ready to make a dramatic entrance).
- A copy of Thump, Thump, Thump, one of my favorite books when I was a child. It's out of print now. Maybe Santa will steal the library's copy for me?
As you can see, I have matured. My secret wish list does not include an Italian villa, a pet dinosaur or dinner with Benjamin Franklin. Its short and very practical. Santa should be able to fit these gifts down my chimney easily.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
O Fake Christmas Tree!
I love our fake Walmart Christmas tree. Every year, we assemble it Thanksgiving weekend and leave it up until the New Year; and we never have to worry about a dead Christmas tree inferno. I know some people love trekking to a Christmas tree lot to pick out their tree, but I've never been one of those people.
These are some of the reasons I hate buying a tree from the lot:
1. All of the trees are flawed - they either lean like the Tower of Pisa or have a big unsighty hole.
2. You have to tie the damn thing to the roof of your car and drive it home. Seriously? This is legal?
3. You have to drag the tree through your house, leaving a trail of damp pine needles. And no matter how many times you vacuum the mess, you will still be finding rogue needles in July.
4. When you set the tree up, it's never the right size. It's either too big for the room, and you have to decapitate it. Or, it's ludicrously small and just looks sad.
5. After you decorate the tree, you have to water it every day or two. In order to water the tree, you have to shimmy under the branches on your belly and get poked in the face by a thousand needles. And when you shimmy under the tree, the branches shake and ornaments fall. The fragile glass ornamnets especially enjoy falling. There's nothing quite like a broken Christmas ornament to bring out one's inner Grinch.
The fake Christmas tree eliminates all of these problems. If you miss the smell of pine or the "fun" of going to a tree lot, just wander around your local tree lot and buy a wreath. It's cheaper and much more civilized.
These are some of the reasons I hate buying a tree from the lot:
1. All of the trees are flawed - they either lean like the Tower of Pisa or have a big unsighty hole.
2. You have to tie the damn thing to the roof of your car and drive it home. Seriously? This is legal?
3. You have to drag the tree through your house, leaving a trail of damp pine needles. And no matter how many times you vacuum the mess, you will still be finding rogue needles in July.
4. When you set the tree up, it's never the right size. It's either too big for the room, and you have to decapitate it. Or, it's ludicrously small and just looks sad.
5. After you decorate the tree, you have to water it every day or two. In order to water the tree, you have to shimmy under the branches on your belly and get poked in the face by a thousand needles. And when you shimmy under the tree, the branches shake and ornaments fall. The fragile glass ornamnets especially enjoy falling. There's nothing quite like a broken Christmas ornament to bring out one's inner Grinch.
The fake Christmas tree eliminates all of these problems. If you miss the smell of pine or the "fun" of going to a tree lot, just wander around your local tree lot and buy a wreath. It's cheaper and much more civilized.
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Christmas Wrap Quilt
I wrapped Christmas presents yesterday. Wrapping presents is a special type of torture. (I believe it's the fifth level of hell in Dante's Inferno).
In Christmases past, I tried to wrap everything in one sitting. Bad idea. Bad effing idea. After the second present, I sacrificed style for speed. My presents looked liked they had been wrapped by a thumbless elf. And, by the time I was done, I felt like I was five minutes away from throwing my back out. I guess my posture suffers when I'm wrestling with gift wrap and oddly-shaped presents.
This year, I planned ahead. I devoted an entire Sunday to wrapping presents. I gathered all the presents, wrapping paper, and supplies in my living room - and then I walked away. I wrapped a few presents - and then I walked away. By bedtime, everything was wrapped and presentable. (Sorry).
Only one gift presented any difficulties. (OMG. I hate myself). I knew I was in trouble when the package arrived:
Given the box's length, I was going to have to overlap sheets of gift wrap. But, I didn't want to use half a roll of gift wrap on a single present. What to do?
I used the remnants from Christmas 2010's gift wrap and created a Gift Wrap Quilt. It's festive, in a tragic sort of way. The silver bow really ties it all together.
In Christmases past, I tried to wrap everything in one sitting. Bad idea. Bad effing idea. After the second present, I sacrificed style for speed. My presents looked liked they had been wrapped by a thumbless elf. And, by the time I was done, I felt like I was five minutes away from throwing my back out. I guess my posture suffers when I'm wrestling with gift wrap and oddly-shaped presents.
This year, I planned ahead. I devoted an entire Sunday to wrapping presents. I gathered all the presents, wrapping paper, and supplies in my living room - and then I walked away. I wrapped a few presents - and then I walked away. By bedtime, everything was wrapped and presentable. (Sorry).
Only one gift presented any difficulties. (OMG. I hate myself). I knew I was in trouble when the package arrived:
Given the box's length, I was going to have to overlap sheets of gift wrap. But, I didn't want to use half a roll of gift wrap on a single present. What to do?
I used the remnants from Christmas 2010's gift wrap and created a Gift Wrap Quilt. It's festive, in a tragic sort of way. The silver bow really ties it all together.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Thirteen Stages Of What Happens When You Wear A Distinctive Dress to A Holiday Party And Some Other $%&# Is Wearing The Same Dress
'Tis the season for holiday parties!
I don't know why I just used the exclamation mark to finish that sentence. The exclamation mark implies that I love holiday parties, but in my experience, holiday parties suck. Maybe I would change my mind if I was invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party or an intimate cocktail party hosted by Tina Fey. But in my experience, "holiday party" is just a nice way to say "obligatory office party that is depressing, awkward and awful."
You know what's the worst part about holiday parties? Deciphering the dress code. Actually, that's probably not the worst part of a holiday party. The worst part is getting stuck at a table with your least favorite co-workers and then being forced to dance with your boss. (Not that I'm speaking from experience). But "deciphering the dress code" is definitely on the list of Twenty Or Thirty Things That Really Suck About Holiday Parties.
And you know what's also on that list? Wearing a distinctive dress to a holiday party and then some other #$%& is wearing the exact same dress. The emotional response to this catastrophe is complicated but can be broken down into thirteen stages:
1. Ignorance: You wear a distinctive dress to a holiday party.
2. More ignorance: You are having a good time. Someone compliments your dress.
3. Awareness: Someone walks by and oh my god she's wearing my dress.
4. Rage: That bitch.
5. Insecurity: Is she thinner than me?
6. Denial: That's okay, I still look hot in this dress.
7. Self-consciousness: Everyone knows. They have all seen that we are wearing the same dress. That's all they can talk about. Everyone in this ballroom/conference room/aquarium is debating who looks better in my dress: me or that bitch.
8. Reasonableness: Stop being so paranoid.
9. Despair: Oh my god, why is she wearing my dress???
10. Alcohol: This alcohol tastes good.
11. More Alcohol: Soooooo goooood.
12. Forgetfulness: I really like waffles.
13. The Next Day: Oh, it was so hilarious, I was my office's holiday party, and I was wearing the same dress as the boss' wife! Isn’t that a funny coincidence?
Wearing the same dress as another party goer is not a faux pas, but it certainly feels like one. This year, I hope the Fashion Gods are kind and protect you from this disaster. If not, I recommend hiding behind a Christmas tree with a big glass of egg nog. Happy holiday parties!
I don't know why I just used the exclamation mark to finish that sentence. The exclamation mark implies that I love holiday parties, but in my experience, holiday parties suck. Maybe I would change my mind if I was invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party or an intimate cocktail party hosted by Tina Fey. But in my experience, "holiday party" is just a nice way to say "obligatory office party that is depressing, awkward and awful."
You know what's the worst part about holiday parties? Deciphering the dress code. Actually, that's probably not the worst part of a holiday party. The worst part is getting stuck at a table with your least favorite co-workers and then being forced to dance with your boss. (Not that I'm speaking from experience). But "deciphering the dress code" is definitely on the list of Twenty Or Thirty Things That Really Suck About Holiday Parties.
And you know what's also on that list? Wearing a distinctive dress to a holiday party and then some other #$%& is wearing the exact same dress. The emotional response to this catastrophe is complicated but can be broken down into thirteen stages:
1. Ignorance: You wear a distinctive dress to a holiday party.
2. More ignorance: You are having a good time. Someone compliments your dress.
3. Awareness: Someone walks by and oh my god she's wearing my dress.
4. Rage: That bitch.
5. Insecurity: Is she thinner than me?
6. Denial: That's okay, I still look hot in this dress.
7. Self-consciousness: Everyone knows. They have all seen that we are wearing the same dress. That's all they can talk about. Everyone in this ballroom/conference room/aquarium is debating who looks better in my dress: me or that bitch.
8. Reasonableness: Stop being so paranoid.
9. Despair: Oh my god, why is she wearing my dress???
10. Alcohol: This alcohol tastes good.
11. More Alcohol: Soooooo goooood.
12. Forgetfulness: I really like waffles.
13. The Next Day: Oh, it was so hilarious, I was my office's holiday party, and I was wearing the same dress as the boss' wife! Isn’t that a funny coincidence?
Wearing the same dress as another party goer is not a faux pas, but it certainly feels like one. This year, I hope the Fashion Gods are kind and protect you from this disaster. If not, I recommend hiding behind a Christmas tree with a big glass of egg nog. Happy holiday parties!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Adventures In Preparing Holiday Meals
Nathan and I celebrated Thanksgiving with my extended family, and I only baked a pumpkin cheesecake for that gathering. We are celebrating Christmas with my in-laws in Nebraska, so I will not get a chance to bake or cook for that gathering. (It's kind of hard to travel with sweet potato casserole as a carry-on. And I don't even want to think what would happen if I packed it in my checked baggage). But I wanted to prepare a proper holiday meal, so Nathan and I recently hosted a generic holiday meal for my parents and sister.
First off, I don't know how professional chefs do it. I had so much fun cooking all of the side dishes, and I love preparing big meals for my family. But holy crap, I was so exhausted, I fell asleep at 7 p.m. I was lying on the couch watching The Muppet Show with Nathan. At the end of an episode, I said, "I just need to rest my eyes for a few minutes." Right. Just a few minutes. I passed out, only reviving briefly at 9:30 p.m. to devour a Quarter Pounder with cheese. (We'd eaten the holiday meal at 2 p.m). I ate that burger as fast as I could because I just wanted to crawl into bed and zonk out for the next twelve hours.
As I prepared all of the side dishes for the Generic Holiday Meal, I vacillated between Serenity and Panic. My inner monologue went something like this:
- Oh my god, it's already 7 a.m.! How am I going to prepare all this food!
- This is so freaking easy. La de da, I'm going to take a break and watch some t.v.
- What was I thinking? STUPID STUPID STUPID. There's no time for television! We'll be lucky if I finish even one of these dishes.
- Oh, why was I so worried? I am a Side Dish Goddess. I can make this stuffing with my eyes closed.
- ^#@&*^*!(_*#_(!)*$)(*!)(*!!!!!!!!!
And so on. I probably passed out at 7 p.m. from emotional, and not physical, exhaustion.
But the food was delicious and I was so happy to share the meal with my family. (If anything, my panic probably made the meal tastier and satisfying for me). If you are looking for some good holiday recipes, this is what we enjoyed:
- Turkey fried with infra-red technology in The Big Easy.
- Sweet potato casserole with a pecan topping, using this recipe. This thing is criminally delicious. I was skeptical because I've always loved yams with marshmallows, but this casserole should be on every holiday table.
- Stuffing using this recipe. It was very delicious, but I am not ready to sign up for a committed relationship with this stuffing. I still want to audition some other recipes.
- Balsamic braised brussel sprouts with pancetta, using this recipe. Oh, so delicious. I am in a monogamous, committed relationship with this recipe. Whenever I want fancy brussel sprouts, I'm inviting these guys to the party.
- And for dessert, nutmeg maple butter cookies, using this recipe. We really didn't need dessert, but these cookies are delicious and stay tasty for a week. They manage to be crispy but chewy at the same time. I'll definitely be baking these cookies again next December. (Oh hell, who am I kidding? I'll definitely be baking these cookies again next week!)
First off, I don't know how professional chefs do it. I had so much fun cooking all of the side dishes, and I love preparing big meals for my family. But holy crap, I was so exhausted, I fell asleep at 7 p.m. I was lying on the couch watching The Muppet Show with Nathan. At the end of an episode, I said, "I just need to rest my eyes for a few minutes." Right. Just a few minutes. I passed out, only reviving briefly at 9:30 p.m. to devour a Quarter Pounder with cheese. (We'd eaten the holiday meal at 2 p.m). I ate that burger as fast as I could because I just wanted to crawl into bed and zonk out for the next twelve hours.
As I prepared all of the side dishes for the Generic Holiday Meal, I vacillated between Serenity and Panic. My inner monologue went something like this:
- Oh my god, it's already 7 a.m.! How am I going to prepare all this food!
- This is so freaking easy. La de da, I'm going to take a break and watch some t.v.
- What was I thinking? STUPID STUPID STUPID. There's no time for television! We'll be lucky if I finish even one of these dishes.
- Oh, why was I so worried? I am a Side Dish Goddess. I can make this stuffing with my eyes closed.
- ^#@&*^*!(_*#_(!)*$)(*!)(*!!!!!!!!!
And so on. I probably passed out at 7 p.m. from emotional, and not physical, exhaustion.
But the food was delicious and I was so happy to share the meal with my family. (If anything, my panic probably made the meal tastier and satisfying for me). If you are looking for some good holiday recipes, this is what we enjoyed:
- Turkey fried with infra-red technology in The Big Easy.
- Sweet potato casserole with a pecan topping, using this recipe. This thing is criminally delicious. I was skeptical because I've always loved yams with marshmallows, but this casserole should be on every holiday table.
- Stuffing using this recipe. It was very delicious, but I am not ready to sign up for a committed relationship with this stuffing. I still want to audition some other recipes.
- Balsamic braised brussel sprouts with pancetta, using this recipe. Oh, so delicious. I am in a monogamous, committed relationship with this recipe. Whenever I want fancy brussel sprouts, I'm inviting these guys to the party.
- And for dessert, nutmeg maple butter cookies, using this recipe. We really didn't need dessert, but these cookies are delicious and stay tasty for a week. They manage to be crispy but chewy at the same time. I'll definitely be baking these cookies again next December. (Oh hell, who am I kidding? I'll definitely be baking these cookies again next week!)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Muppets Mania!
I am currently in the throes of a Muppets obsession. My love for the Muppets started as a child with the Muppet movies, Muppet Babies (one of my favorite cartoon series) and of course Sesame Street. I'm told I watched The Muppet Show, but if that's true, it predates the development of my long term memory.
I have loved the Muppets through the years, but the new Muppets movie pushed my enthusiasm to a new (slightly embarrassing) level. And I almost didn't see the movie! My husband and I tried to see the early show of The Muppets on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend, but the projector was broken. (I guess the projector guy was having a wild Saturday night, if you know what I mean). We waited for 45 minutes and incredibly, in the year 2011, the theater had to cancel the showing. WTF? The mega-movie theater at my mall does not have a spare video projector? And then, they cancel The Muppets instead of the latest Twilight crapfest?
But we finally managed to see The Muppets about ten days ago, and I smiled during the entire movie. I have only one complaint: I deliberately took an emergency bathroom break during a scene that I was positive would not involve the Swedish Chef. But of course, *&$(@Q, I missed a Swedish Chef moment. My husband described the scene in detail, but it's just not the same. (I guess I have to go see the movie again. Right now!)
Now we are watching The Muppet Show. Netflix sent us Season One, but we probably need to buy the DVDs.
I also want to design my own Muppet Whatnot, available here from FAO Schwartz. You get to choose your Muppet's body, eyes, nose, hair and outfit. I am overwhelmed by the possibilities. Should my Whatnot have glasses? A beard? Does it need a Broadway showgirl outfit? Or a lounge jacket? I can't even decide if my Muppet Whatnot is a boy or girl! I just know that I need one, stat.
In the meantime, I am happy with the Beaker ornament we bought for our tree. I cannot pick a favorite Muppet, but Beaker is a serious contender. This year, Hallmark released a special singing Beaker ornament that's available at Hallmark stores. Every tree should have a Beaker ornament, but here's a video of the ornament in action so you can vicariously appreciate its awesomeness. Please pardon the shaky footage - I filmed this with my iPhone (and Sundance won't be calling me anytime soon).
I have loved the Muppets through the years, but the new Muppets movie pushed my enthusiasm to a new (slightly embarrassing) level. And I almost didn't see the movie! My husband and I tried to see the early show of The Muppets on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend, but the projector was broken. (I guess the projector guy was having a wild Saturday night, if you know what I mean). We waited for 45 minutes and incredibly, in the year 2011, the theater had to cancel the showing. WTF? The mega-movie theater at my mall does not have a spare video projector? And then, they cancel The Muppets instead of the latest Twilight crapfest?
But we finally managed to see The Muppets about ten days ago, and I smiled during the entire movie. I have only one complaint: I deliberately took an emergency bathroom break during a scene that I was positive would not involve the Swedish Chef. But of course, *&$(@Q, I missed a Swedish Chef moment. My husband described the scene in detail, but it's just not the same. (I guess I have to go see the movie again. Right now!)
Now we are watching The Muppet Show. Netflix sent us Season One, but we probably need to buy the DVDs.
I also want to design my own Muppet Whatnot, available here from FAO Schwartz. You get to choose your Muppet's body, eyes, nose, hair and outfit. I am overwhelmed by the possibilities. Should my Whatnot have glasses? A beard? Does it need a Broadway showgirl outfit? Or a lounge jacket? I can't even decide if my Muppet Whatnot is a boy or girl! I just know that I need one, stat.
In the meantime, I am happy with the Beaker ornament we bought for our tree. I cannot pick a favorite Muppet, but Beaker is a serious contender. This year, Hallmark released a special singing Beaker ornament that's available at Hallmark stores. Every tree should have a Beaker ornament, but here's a video of the ornament in action so you can vicariously appreciate its awesomeness. Please pardon the shaky footage - I filmed this with my iPhone (and Sundance won't be calling me anytime soon).
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
A Very Tragic Christmas Craft Project
Last week, I had a vision for a craft project called "The Christmas Tree Bouquet." Let's pretend a Christmas tree fell in love with a bouquet of flowers and they had a child. That child is The Christmas Tree Bouquet.
In my imagination, the Christmas Tree Bouquet is a holiday decoration that is festive, whimsical, and rustic. It looks great on your mantle! It's an amazing centerpiece! It's the IT decoration for winter weddings! And, you only need some sticks, red yarn and a glass vase.
In actuality, the Christmas Tree Bouquet is an adomination:
In my imagination, the Christmas Tree Bouquet is a holiday decoration that is festive, whimsical, and rustic. It looks great on your mantle! It's an amazing centerpiece! It's the IT decoration for winter weddings! And, you only need some sticks, red yarn and a glass vase.
In actuality, the Christmas Tree Bouquet is an adomination:
I wrapped red yarn around some sticks and gathered the sticks into a bouquet. When I started this project, I had delusions that involved Martha Stewart and the Barefoot Contessa. (Don't ask.) But by the time I was done, I felt sorry for the sticks. And the yarn.
Before I accepted defeat, I decided to put the Christmas Tree Bouquet on my mantle. I had to at least see how it looked, right?
In the photograph, it actually looks okay. But in person, it's just a very tragic craft project. You remember the sad little tree that Charlie Brown bought for the Peanuts' pageant? It was just a tired twig, but Charlie Brown saw its potential. Well, if Charlie Brown saw my Christmas Tree Bouquet, he would set it on fire.
But I will not stop crafting! I love crafting, and I'm not going to let an abomination like the Christmas Tree Bouquet break my spirit. (Okay, it did break my spirit, but only for about fifteen minutes. Then I had a piece of fudge, and fudge makes everything better).
I just hope that I will always be able to admit defeat when the craft project I imagine does not match the finished creation. Or, at a minimum, I hope that I will always have good friends who are willing to say, "Hey Courtney, you know that Christmas Tree Bouquet you made? It's really freaking ugly. Throw that %$&@ out."
Friday, December 9, 2011
Cupid: Dumbest Name Ever For A Flying Reindeer
As a small child, I thought it was very important to memorize the names of Santa's reindeer. I remember silently practicing the lyrics to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer during any downtime I had at school. (I was a huge nerd).
Although I have recited the names of the reindeer about one million times, it only recently occurred to me that Cupid the Reindeer shares a name with Cupid the Greek god. After I made this important connection, I spent an unhealthy amount of time wondering: why the hell did Santa name one of his reindeer after the official mascot of Valentine's Day?
Finally, I put the pieces together: Cupid the Fat Baby God can fly; Cupid the Reindeer can fly; and Santa was trying to inspire his reindeer to soar through the sky like a magnificent Greek god.
But is Cupid the God the sort of role model we want for Cupid the Reindeer? Cupid the God is a fat baby who terrorizes the singles of the world with his enchanted arrows. Do we really want an obese, violent reindeer landing on our roofs? I don't know about you, but I prefer my Christmas reindeer svelte and sedated. (Have you listened to Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer recently? A cautionary tale if I've ever heard one).
And while I'm on the subject: what was Venus/Aphrodite doing letting her fat son fly around and shoot people with arrows? If Venus and Cupid were alive today, Venus would be convicted of child abuse and Cupid would be sent into foster care.
Although I have recited the names of the reindeer about one million times, it only recently occurred to me that Cupid the Reindeer shares a name with Cupid the Greek god. After I made this important connection, I spent an unhealthy amount of time wondering: why the hell did Santa name one of his reindeer after the official mascot of Valentine's Day?
Finally, I put the pieces together: Cupid the Fat Baby God can fly; Cupid the Reindeer can fly; and Santa was trying to inspire his reindeer to soar through the sky like a magnificent Greek god.
But is Cupid the God the sort of role model we want for Cupid the Reindeer? Cupid the God is a fat baby who terrorizes the singles of the world with his enchanted arrows. Do we really want an obese, violent reindeer landing on our roofs? I don't know about you, but I prefer my Christmas reindeer svelte and sedated. (Have you listened to Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer recently? A cautionary tale if I've ever heard one).
And while I'm on the subject: what was Venus/Aphrodite doing letting her fat son fly around and shoot people with arrows? If Venus and Cupid were alive today, Venus would be convicted of child abuse and Cupid would be sent into foster care.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Scavenger Hunt: The Christmas Lights Edition
As you drive around your neighborhood admiring the Christmas lights, try to find:
- A house with just 3 sad blinking lights.
- A house that looks like the Griswolds.
- Two neighbors on the same block who are locked in a death match for the title "King of the Christmas Decorations"
- A Christmas light display that makes you feel uncomfortable and/or sad
- Decorations that were hung by a heavily intoxicated/annoyed husband
- A display that makes you say "where do they store those decorations all year?"
- An electric bill that represents the GNP of a small European nation
- A house with just one strand of lights lining the roof, like sane people used to do in the 80s
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Santa Stump
I know I have been blogging like a broken record about the Santa Ana wind storm (aka Windocalypse) that hit my neighborhood last week. And I'm going to try to stop blogging about all the fallen trees. But I just had to share this photo:
Someone put a Santa hat on a stump. How awesome is that? Talk about making the best of a bad situation.
Now I want to buy some cheap Santa hats and put them in random places to make people smile. Do you think it's a federal offense to put a Santa hat on a mailbox?
Someone put a Santa hat on a stump. How awesome is that? Talk about making the best of a bad situation.
Now I want to buy some cheap Santa hats and put them in random places to make people smile. Do you think it's a federal offense to put a Santa hat on a mailbox?
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Christmas Pumpkins
Q: Do I have to throw out my pumpkins, now that it's December? They are just so orange, and they scream "Harvest! Pilgrims! Cornucopia!" Pumpkins just do not fit in with the December holiday spirit, right?
A: DO NOT THROW OUT YOUR PUMPKINS. You should never throw out a pumpkin until it has rotted and smells like death. It's very easy to update your pumpkins for Christmas. Behold, the Christmas Pumpkin!
A: DO NOT THROW OUT YOUR PUMPKINS. You should never throw out a pumpkin until it has rotted and smells like death. It's very easy to update your pumpkins for Christmas. Behold, the Christmas Pumpkin!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Happy Holidays, Natural Disaster Style
Last week, the Santa Ana winds tore through Pasadena and kicked the crap out of my neighborhood. It was a natural disaster in a major city, but the media treated it like a bad traffic jam. They did not even try to give the storm a cool name, like Windocalypse or Stormy.
You know why the media basically ignored Windocalpyse? Because it hit suddenly and with unexpected intensity - so the media did not get a chance to go into pre-storm panic mode and predict The Coming of the End of Days. And, fortunately, no one died - so the media did not get to speculate about the death toll. Who wants to report on power outages and fallen trees? BORING.
But Windocalypse was a natural disaster, and it caused a lot of damage. Thousands lost power for days. In Pasadena, more than 400 trees fell, landing on houses, fences and cars. The streets were literally dammed with trees, as if hoards of devil beavers had attacked Pasadena during the night.
The City of Pasadena has done a five star job cleaning up the mess. My only complaint is that I have forfeited my right to complain about the City (and come on, who doesn't like to complain about the government?)
While I was taking a walk in my neighborhood this weekend, I saw this holiday sign:
Let's just zoom in on the sign:
My neighbors lost their white picket fence during the storm, and now they are wishing everyone "Happy Holidays." Or are there?
I cannot decipher the intended tone for this message. Do the owners mean "happy holidays" as in "let's hang the stockings, drink some egg nog and count our blessings - we're so lucky we just lost this old fence"? Or, do they mean "happy holidays" as in "we maxed out our credit cards on Black Friday, Grandma Edith started drinking again during the storm, we forgot to renew our homeowner's policy last month, so Santa can take our picket fence and shove it up his you-know-what"?
My Inner Cynic tells me it's the latter. But, in the spirit of the season, I've decided it must be the former. Maybe Santa will bring them a new picket fence for Christmas.
You know why the media basically ignored Windocalpyse? Because it hit suddenly and with unexpected intensity - so the media did not get a chance to go into pre-storm panic mode and predict The Coming of the End of Days. And, fortunately, no one died - so the media did not get to speculate about the death toll. Who wants to report on power outages and fallen trees? BORING.
But Windocalypse was a natural disaster, and it caused a lot of damage. Thousands lost power for days. In Pasadena, more than 400 trees fell, landing on houses, fences and cars. The streets were literally dammed with trees, as if hoards of devil beavers had attacked Pasadena during the night.
The City of Pasadena has done a five star job cleaning up the mess. My only complaint is that I have forfeited my right to complain about the City (and come on, who doesn't like to complain about the government?)
While I was taking a walk in my neighborhood this weekend, I saw this holiday sign:
Let's just zoom in on the sign:
My neighbors lost their white picket fence during the storm, and now they are wishing everyone "Happy Holidays." Or are there?
I cannot decipher the intended tone for this message. Do the owners mean "happy holidays" as in "let's hang the stockings, drink some egg nog and count our blessings - we're so lucky we just lost this old fence"? Or, do they mean "happy holidays" as in "we maxed out our credit cards on Black Friday, Grandma Edith started drinking again during the storm, we forgot to renew our homeowner's policy last month, so Santa can take our picket fence and shove it up his you-know-what"?
My Inner Cynic tells me it's the latter. But, in the spirit of the season, I've decided it must be the former. Maybe Santa will bring them a new picket fence for Christmas.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
My B.S. Holiday To Do List
It's here! The holiday season! That wonderful time of year when we slow down and enjoy time with our loved ones.
So why the hell are there so many dumb ass b.s. things on my To Do List?
I feel as if my To Do List is oppressively long. Address Christmas cards! Bake cookies! Wrap presents! Get a wreath! Put out decorations! Buy more decorations! Holy crap we need more decorations! Make a gingerbread house because oh my god if you do not make a gingerbread house, the whole world will hate you. Make an Avent Calendar because the magic of the season will be RUINED unless you have a homemade Advent Calendar made from lace, macaroni and elf dust. Why are you sleeping? That's not on the To Do List! You can sleep in 2012! You have to bake more cookies! Why are you using store bought butter? YOU NEED TO CHURN YOUR OWN BUTTER OR SANTA WILL CRY.
(Excuse me while I go lie down and have a panic attack).
But here's the thing about my holiday To Do List: it's mostly bullcrap. Oh sure, I still need to buy a few more presents. And yes, I would like to mail our Christmas cards before Valentine's Day. But everything else is OPTIONAL and does not actually belong on my To Do List.
I've deleted most of my holiday "to do's" from my To Do List. For example, I thought it would be fun to make homemade Christmas gifts. But then I remembered: knitting a scarf at 3 a.m. is not fun. Cross "homemade gifts" off the list. I also wanted to make a Christmas village for the mantle. I had this murky vision that involved lots of glitter. And then I had a vision of myself in the ER, with my elbow glue-gunned to my forehead. Cross "glitter Christmas village" off the list.
Now that I've revised my Holiday To Do list, I am much more excited for December. I've embraced a new mantra: I am not Martha Stewart; I do not have an army of interns at my beck and call; I do not need to buy any more freaking decorations.
Instead, I'm going to sit and enjoy the (fake) Christmas tree in our living room. Oh sure, it has lots of gaps and needs more decorations. I suppose I could spend every free moment crafting and shopping for more ornaments. But instead, I smile and remember that every year, our tree will have a few more ornaments. And someday, we'll have too many ornaments. But this year, right now, we have just the right amount.
So why the hell are there so many dumb ass b.s. things on my To Do List?
I feel as if my To Do List is oppressively long. Address Christmas cards! Bake cookies! Wrap presents! Get a wreath! Put out decorations! Buy more decorations! Holy crap we need more decorations! Make a gingerbread house because oh my god if you do not make a gingerbread house, the whole world will hate you. Make an Avent Calendar because the magic of the season will be RUINED unless you have a homemade Advent Calendar made from lace, macaroni and elf dust. Why are you sleeping? That's not on the To Do List! You can sleep in 2012! You have to bake more cookies! Why are you using store bought butter? YOU NEED TO CHURN YOUR OWN BUTTER OR SANTA WILL CRY.
(Excuse me while I go lie down and have a panic attack).
But here's the thing about my holiday To Do List: it's mostly bullcrap. Oh sure, I still need to buy a few more presents. And yes, I would like to mail our Christmas cards before Valentine's Day. But everything else is OPTIONAL and does not actually belong on my To Do List.
I've deleted most of my holiday "to do's" from my To Do List. For example, I thought it would be fun to make homemade Christmas gifts. But then I remembered: knitting a scarf at 3 a.m. is not fun. Cross "homemade gifts" off the list. I also wanted to make a Christmas village for the mantle. I had this murky vision that involved lots of glitter. And then I had a vision of myself in the ER, with my elbow glue-gunned to my forehead. Cross "glitter Christmas village" off the list.
Now that I've revised my Holiday To Do list, I am much more excited for December. I've embraced a new mantra: I am not Martha Stewart; I do not have an army of interns at my beck and call; I do not need to buy any more freaking decorations.
Instead, I'm going to sit and enjoy the (fake) Christmas tree in our living room. Oh sure, it has lots of gaps and needs more decorations. I suppose I could spend every free moment crafting and shopping for more ornaments. But instead, I smile and remember that every year, our tree will have a few more ornaments. And someday, we'll have too many ornaments. But this year, right now, we have just the right amount.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Christmas Carols!
Q: When is it socially acceptable to start listening to Christmas carols?
A: Anytime after Thanksgiving.
Q: When will the Cranky Pumpkin start listening to Christmas carols?
A: Two days ago.
A: Anytime after Thanksgiving.
Q: When will the Cranky Pumpkin start listening to Christmas carols?
A: Two days ago.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Giftaphobia
Holy crap, it's November! And you know what that means? Before you know it, we'll be stuffing ourselves silly with turkey and pumpkin pie. And you know what that means? It's almost Christmas AND HOLY CRAP SOMEONE JUST HIT THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING PANIC BUTTON.
I wish I was an indifferent gift giver. I wish I could just give some socks and a candle to everyone on my gift list. But alas, I can't. I have Giftaphobia. In case you are unfamiliar with the disorder, here's its definition:
Giftaphobia:
1. The compulsion to give an extraordinary present that makes the recipient say, "Holy crap, I didn't realize I wanted XYZ, but now that I have XYZ, I can die happy." See also, "die happy gift."
2. The fear of giving someone a really crappy gift.
Most of the year, my giftaphobia is a manageable condition. Okay, I have been known, on occasion, to spend an unhealthy amount of time searching Amazon for the perfect book to send to a one-year-old. (Because it's not just a book. It's the gift of reading. And if I can pick just the right tome, I can transform that one-year-old into the next Hemingway). But most of the time, I can give presents without having a full-blown panic attack.
But after Halloween, things get ugly. So many presents! And they all have to be AMAZING! EVEN IF IT MEANS MARCHING THROUGH EVERY MALL IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA AND SURFING THE WEB UNTIL MY EYEBALLS FALL OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
If you suffer from giftaphobia, rest assured: you are not alone. Scientists are working around the clock for a cure for this horrible condition. In the meantime, a large glass of wine does provide some relief.
I wish I was an indifferent gift giver. I wish I could just give some socks and a candle to everyone on my gift list. But alas, I can't. I have Giftaphobia. In case you are unfamiliar with the disorder, here's its definition:
Giftaphobia:
1. The compulsion to give an extraordinary present that makes the recipient say, "Holy crap, I didn't realize I wanted XYZ, but now that I have XYZ, I can die happy." See also, "die happy gift."
2. The fear of giving someone a really crappy gift.
Most of the year, my giftaphobia is a manageable condition. Okay, I have been known, on occasion, to spend an unhealthy amount of time searching Amazon for the perfect book to send to a one-year-old. (Because it's not just a book. It's the gift of reading. And if I can pick just the right tome, I can transform that one-year-old into the next Hemingway). But most of the time, I can give presents without having a full-blown panic attack.
But after Halloween, things get ugly. So many presents! And they all have to be AMAZING! EVEN IF IT MEANS MARCHING THROUGH EVERY MALL IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA AND SURFING THE WEB UNTIL MY EYEBALLS FALL OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
If you suffer from giftaphobia, rest assured: you are not alone. Scientists are working around the clock for a cure for this horrible condition. In the meantime, a large glass of wine does provide some relief.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Does Anyone Actually Buy Christmas Decorations In August?
I adore Halloween, and every decoration associated with the holiday. Someday, I would like to transform my front lawn into a graveyard. No, that’s not entirely correct. Someday, I would like to turn my entire home into a haunted house with a cemetery outside.
However, as much as I love Halloween decorations, I will not, as a matter of principle, buy any pumpkins, skulls or screaming doorknobs until mid-September at the earliest.
I went to Michael’s yesterday to buy some craft supplies, and the front of the store was dedicated to Halloween decorations. There were at least four aisles stuffed with skeletons, pumpkins, tombstones, spiders, ghosts and ghouls. There was a choir of moaning corpses. I felt a little like I was being brainwashed or hypnotized. For a few minutes, I slowly walked down a Halloween aisle, mesmerized by the “haunted portraits,” until I remembered it’s August and hurried away to the beading section.
Then I saw the Christmas decorations.
I stopped dead in my tracks and stared. Christmas ornament supplies. I repeat: Christmas ornament supplies IN AUGUST.
I know, I know, this happens every year. The stores start pushing Christmas in August. I shouldn’t be so outraged, BUT I AM. When the stores roll out the Christmas decorations in August, you know what they are doing? They are slapping Summer across the face and giving the middle finger to pool parties, bbq’s, and ice cream.
Why are we always looking ahead to the next season? In the winter, we complain about how cold it is and look forward to flowers and Easter. In the spring, we are ready for the summer heat. By mid-summer, everyone is complaining about the heat and shopping for their new fall wardrobe. And so on. It drives me insane. I don’t want to shop for wool jackets in August!
I realize that this is not an issue that needs national attention, but I prefer to enjoy the present season. Right now, it’s summer. As much as I love Halloween and Christmas, I’m not ready to start buying pumpkins and dancing Santas.
However, as much as I love Halloween decorations, I will not, as a matter of principle, buy any pumpkins, skulls or screaming doorknobs until mid-September at the earliest.
I went to Michael’s yesterday to buy some craft supplies, and the front of the store was dedicated to Halloween decorations. There were at least four aisles stuffed with skeletons, pumpkins, tombstones, spiders, ghosts and ghouls. There was a choir of moaning corpses. I felt a little like I was being brainwashed or hypnotized. For a few minutes, I slowly walked down a Halloween aisle, mesmerized by the “haunted portraits,” until I remembered it’s August and hurried away to the beading section.
Then I saw the Christmas decorations.
I stopped dead in my tracks and stared. Christmas ornament supplies. I repeat: Christmas ornament supplies IN AUGUST.
I know, I know, this happens every year. The stores start pushing Christmas in August. I shouldn’t be so outraged, BUT I AM. When the stores roll out the Christmas decorations in August, you know what they are doing? They are slapping Summer across the face and giving the middle finger to pool parties, bbq’s, and ice cream.
Why are we always looking ahead to the next season? In the winter, we complain about how cold it is and look forward to flowers and Easter. In the spring, we are ready for the summer heat. By mid-summer, everyone is complaining about the heat and shopping for their new fall wardrobe. And so on. It drives me insane. I don’t want to shop for wool jackets in August!
I realize that this is not an issue that needs national attention, but I prefer to enjoy the present season. Right now, it’s summer. As much as I love Halloween and Christmas, I’m not ready to start buying pumpkins and dancing Santas.
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