Happy Halloween!

I really should have some photos for your today. It's Halloween, and this blog is called The Cranky Pumpkin. You'd think I'd have some pride and would have prepared a collage of pumpkins dressed up in clever costumes. But I have no pride, so no clever photos for you - muhahaha!

I love Halloween, but this year, I am mostly concerned about how I am going to avoid all the candy. Baby Girl is not too keen on sweets. In fact, she hates them and only tolerates them in small amounts. If I eat a miniature chocolate bar, she will ignore my transgression. Sometimes, I can even get away with eating two miniature chocolate bars (but only if they are reeeeeaaaaalllly miniature - like Hershey Kisses miniature). But if I get greedy... well, let's just say that if my vomit bowl is not handy, there's going to be trouble.

Normally, on Halloween, I raid the candy bowl as often as I please. That obviously cannot happen tonight. In the absence of chocolate, I need a new way to entertain myself.

Would it be cruel if I made the children dance for their candy? (And for anyone over the age of twelve, perhaps a song and dance number would be appropriate.)

Who The Bleep Bit A Chunk Out Of My Tombstone?!

Every six months or so, an animal digs up our front lawn. This goes on for a week or two, until the animal decides to terrorize someone else's lawn. The animal never causes any permanent damage, so it's more amusing than annoying.

I have no idea what sort of animal is at war with our lawn, but I suspect it's either a cat, opossum or puma.

The cat/opossum/puma recently returned, but this time, it did not just paw aggressively at our lawn.

It bit one of my Halloween tombstones! WTF?! It's a styrofoam tombstone. It does not look delicious. It looks like tasteless nasty styrofoam. How stupid do you have to be to want to taste this thing?

And this is not the first such incident. A summer or two ago, the cat/opossum/puma bit up one of our pool noodles! Will this beast's taste for styrofoam never be satisfied??

I found the missing chunk of styrofoam in a nearby flower bed. I hope the cat/opossum/puma choked on it.

Halloween is ruined. I might as well eat all the candy today and give raisins to the neighborhood kids.

Halloween Decorations!

During the first weekend of October, I decorated our house for Halloween. I was going to be tasteful and wait until mid-October, but half the neighborhood put up their decorations the last weekend of September. I did not want to be the Neighborhood Halloween Scrooge, so our lawn became a graveyard...

I scored our ghost last year at Walgreens for $5. Ghosty drifts eerily in the breeze, and the kids LOVE him. Every child who walks by our house in October stops to ogle Ghosty.

I have coveted novelty tombstones for years, so last year, I bought discounted gravestones on November 1. When I first mentioned my plan to buy tombstones, Nathan looked horrified; but he is a champ and humors my love of tacky Halloween decorations. (My fervor for Halloween decorations is perhaps embarrassing in some circles, but it is at least cheaper than a Prada addiction.)

While I'm thinking about it, let me tell you about shopping for Halloween decorations on November 1: don't bother with Target. Target will be picked clean about one minute after the store opens. Go to a Halloween megastore instead and have an open mind (but not too open of a mind, or you might end up with a twelve foot high demon clown).

Last Saturday, we went to a pumpkin patch and I behaved like a normal person. We only spent $30 total. (Nathan was expecting it to be much, much worse.) I love how the crooked stems look like something you might find in a witch's garden. Also, I would have bought these pumpkins sooner, but with our ridiculously hot October, I was afraid they would prematurely turn to mush.

This is the crown jewel of my Halloween decorations cache. Last year, I was desperate for a skeleton, but I only saw skeletons for $60 or more. I waited until the November 1 sales and found ... nothing. I went to FOUR stores and not a skeleton was to be found. So this year, as soon as the Halloween megastore by our house opened its doors in September, I rushed over and bought Gus for just $15. Gus is a cheap plastic piece of crap, and I had to use the gardening shears to get the leg bones to fit into the hip bone, but I love him. When he dies, I will replace him with something higher quality (price be damned).

I initially dressed Gus up with a sombrero that originally belonged to Wendy the Cactus. I think he looks dignified yet ready to party; but what I really wanted was a pirate skeleton.

One cheap pirate costume for kiddos at Target later, and behold, Gus the Pirate Skeleton King! (Eventually, I'd really like to get Gus a beret and striped shirt, but that's part of my 10 year plan.)

Indoors, I behaved and just put a few mini-pumpkins on the mantle. It's difficult to see, but the pumpkins are guarded by two Halloween nutcrackers (a devil and a skeleton bride).

There's another small box filled with decorations still in our basement, but I think this is enough for Halloween 2012. As a pregnant lady, I have serious napping responsibilities, and my back demands respect and pampering. However, I do reserve the right to buy more pumpkins.

Happy Halloween!!!

Just a few friendly reminders from the staff at the Cranky Pumpkin:

1) Candy is calorie-free on Halloween.  This is a scientific fact. 

2) It's okay to eat candy corn like it's the end of the world.  There is no shame in a candy corn coma.

3)  But if you eat too much candy, there will be repercussions.  Serious repercussions.

p.s. If you came to this blog for the photography, you were seriously misled. 

Halloween Candy Update

In this post, I bragged about our Halloween candy and hinted that I'll be distributing "bad candy" to any surly adolescents who knock on my door.  But my husband observed that we only have elite candy. I only bought chocolate!  Is a teenager going to be devastated by a Milky Way or miniature Hershey's bar?  

So I supplemented our candy supplies:

This sad-ass, non-chocolate, second-tier candy is for the older trick-or-treaters who make no effort in the costume department.  The trick-or-treaters who say "trick-or-treat," but the subtext is "F*** you."  This candy is reserved for them.

To be clear: I am not withholding candy from all of the adolescents/teens who knock on my door.  If the trick-or-treater makes even the slightest nod to wearing a costume, then I'll let them dig through the good candy bowl.  I'm not asking for a full pirate costume with hat, sword, beard, striped shirt, hook hand, peg leg and a novelty parrot on the shoulder.  I'm just asking for an eye patch.

But jeans and a hoodie sweathshirt?  That's not a costume.  Sorry kid, enjoy your lollipop.

Now if you'll excuse me,  I think I'll leave this candy outside until Halloween.  Maybe a wild animal will rough it up.  Let's see how those surly teenagers like finding raccoon bite marks in their candy.

My Not-So-Secret Halloween Aspirations

I've mentioned my passion for Halloween decorations before (read about it here).  Someday, I would like to transform my home into a haunted house.  It will be tasteful, but we might need a fog machine.

In the meantime, I am very happy with my recent purchase, a $5 ghost that I found at the drugstore:

As a devotee of Halloween decorations, I am living in the right neighborhood.  My neighbors truly know how to decorate for the holiday.  Down the street, several houses have graveyards, including one with a coffin:

 
But you know what would make a graveyard truly shine?  A dead lawn.  Next year, we need to stop watering the lawn in July and by October, we'll be ready to install the graveyard.  Alas, something tells me that Nathan, a.k.a. The Lord of the Lawn, is not going to support this plan.  Boo.

But maybe we don't need a graveyard.  When I saw the tableau below, I realized what I really need: a full-sized skeleton.  Preferably one with a beret and a broken accordion.

And finally, this cat wins the award for the creepiest decoration in my neighborhood:

It looks like a possessed devil cat that smothers children in their sleep.  I hope some vandals destroy it on Halloween. 

You Know the House With the Best Halloween Candy? That's My House.

I take my responsibilities as a distributor of Halloween candy very, very, very seriously.  I will not be the neighbor with the melted Almond Joys and broken erasers.  Or, worse, the lonely lady who distributes raisins and then her cat Muffin runs outside and everyone has to spend the next twenty minutes trying to get Muffin out of a tree.

No, we only distribute the good stuff:

You can't just have one or two offerings if you want to be the best house on the block and we will be the best house on the block.  Kids will talk about our candy for weeks.   

So, of course, we have the Reese's variety pack, which includes Reese's Pieces.  The pack only has 185 candy packs, so I'm deeply a little anxious that we don't have enough.  And why is it so hard to find full-sized packages of Reese's Pieces throughout the year?  Hasn't everyone seen E.T.?  It should be required viewing for all children: you can't start kindergarten until you have been vaccinated for polio and watched E.T. at least three times.  Hoards of children should be demanding better access to Reese's Pieces.  

We're also distributing Salted Nut Rolls (that's the bag in the middle).  These are a Midwest candy that my husband, a Nebraska native, ordered online.  Folks, this is a very special treat.  We're probably the only house in Pasadena with miniature Salted Nut Rolls.  At my house, we're not just giving away candy.  We are fostering a greater appreciation for the candy culture of the Midwest.   

Now that we have our candy, I have to think about our distribution strategy.  I always try to adhere to a plan - e.g. I will hand two candies to each trick-or-treater - but ever year, I end up improvising.  A three-year-old Tinkerbell shouts "Twick or Tweet," my heart melts, and I give her unlimited access to the candy bowl. 

But not everyone gets to choose their Halloween candy.  My Halloween candy bowl is like an exclusive club, and I'm the bouncer.  When a gang of surly adolescents dressed up as surly adolescents pounds on my front door, I hand them one candy each and swat away their hands if they reach for the bowl.  

Hey, if you want the Snickers bar, you have to earn it.

Halloween is for Halloween, End of Discussion (Ugh)

Excuse me, but I must rant.

I would like to join a book club in Pasadena.  I already belong to a book club, but the members live scattered throughout L.A. County and we meet sporadically, at best.  Also ... we never talk about the book.  My book club is a just an excuse for several women in their early 30s to get together, eat and talk about everything (except the damn book that we were all supposed to read). 

As much as I enjoy my current book club, I am a bookworm and a nerd.  I would love to actually talk about books with some fellow bookworms for an hour every month or two.  I don't want to join a book club that dictates all the books I read, but I would like to spend more time talking about things like literature, reading, writing and books.  Right now, I talk about these things for about two or three hours every year.  There are 8,760 hours in a year.  I think I can do a little better.

Last week, I saw this sign outside my local bookstore:

I rejoiced.  I have not read Brave New World since high school, and I would love to reread it.  And The Thorn Birds?  I just read that during my honeymoon!  It was wonderful and exactly the sort of book I would love to discuss with some fellow book lovers. 

Then, I looked closer.  The book club meeting for The Thorn Birds is October 31 at 6:30 p.m.  It might as well be scheduled for "Halloween when the kiddies are trick-or treating."  Because Halloween is always on October 31.  And kids always go trick-or-treating just as it gets dark.  Halloween is not one of those holidays that moves around like Easter or Thanksgiving.  A person could accidentally schedule a book club to meet on Easter. "Oh, oops!  Easter is in March this year?  That's so early.  Oh well, we'll just have talk about The Thorn Birds in early April."  But Halloween?  You can't accidentally schedule a book club for October 31 and then tell me you forgot about that whole trick-or-treating thing.

Who organized this damn book club, and why do they hate Halloween?  People, Halloween is once a year.  You have 364 other days to schedule a book club meeting to discuss The Thorn Birds.  Why must you insist on a conflict with a major holiday? 

I'm assuming that this always book club meets on the last Monday of the month.  But if Halloween falls on the last Monday of the month, doesn't that warrants an exception?  Move the book club to Tuesday, Wednesday, or any other day that is not Halloween! 

I briefly considered attending The Brave New World meeting, but I don't want to join a book club that scorns Halloween.  That is just too pretentious for me, thank you very much.  My quest for a Pasadena book club continues...

Does Anyone Actually Buy Christmas Decorations In August?

I adore Halloween, and every decoration associated with the holiday.  Someday, I would like to transform my front lawn into a graveyard.  No, that’s not entirely correct.  Someday, I would like to turn my entire home into a haunted house with a cemetery outside.

However, as much as I love Halloween decorations, I will not, as a matter of principle, buy any pumpkins, skulls or screaming doorknobs until mid-September at the earliest.      

I went to Michael’s yesterday to buy some craft supplies, and the front of the store was dedicated to Halloween decorations.  There were at least four aisles stuffed with skeletons, pumpkins, tombstones, spiders, ghosts and ghouls.  There was a choir of moaning corpses.  I felt a little like I was being brainwashed or hypnotized.  For a few minutes, I slowly walked down a Halloween aisle, mesmerized by the “haunted portraits,” until I remembered it’s August and hurried away to the beading section.

Then I saw the Christmas decorations. 

I stopped dead in my tracks and stared.  Christmas ornament supplies.  I repeat: Christmas ornament supplies IN AUGUST.

I know, I know, this happens every year.  The stores start pushing Christmas in August.  I shouldn’t be so outraged, BUT I AM.  When the stores roll out the Christmas decorations in August, you know what they are doing?  They are slapping Summer across the face and giving the middle finger to pool parties, bbq’s, and ice cream. 

Why are we always looking ahead to the next season?  In the winter, we complain about how cold it is and look forward to flowers and Easter.  In the spring, we are ready for the summer heat.  By mid-summer, everyone is complaining about the heat and shopping for their new fall wardrobe.  And so on.  It drives me insane.  I don’t want to shop for wool jackets in August! 

I realize that this is not an issue that needs national attention, but I prefer to enjoy the present season.  Right now, it’s summer.  As much as I love Halloween and Christmas, I’m not ready to start buying pumpkins and dancing Santas.