The Valentine Pumpkin

I realize the pumpkins on display in my house are started to look a little dated:

But how can I throw them out?  Look at them.  They are so festively orange, so perfectly plump.  You might as well tell me I need to throw a kitten into the trash can. 

So I Valentine-ified my pumpkins:

I am particularly proud of the pumpkin on the left in the photo above.  Please note how the placement of the hearts mimics a Jack- o'-lantern.  This eases the pumpkin's transition from Halloween to Valentine's Day.  In a past life, I must have been a pumpkin stylist.

This year, Cupid gets to take a break.  The Love Pumpkin is the new mascot for February 14th.

Forget Groundhog Day. I'm Celebrating Meerkat Day.

Today is Groundhog Day.  I have no idea what I'm supposed to say.  Happy Groundhog Day?  Feliz Groundhog?  Mazel tov?

Groundhog Day would be a 1000% more exciting if we replaced the groundhog with a meerkat.  Have I mentioned how much I love meerkats?  Let's just say I have a "daily meerkat" calendar on my fridge and it fills my soul with joy and delight.

Animal Planet has a series called Meerkat Manor that I highly recommend.  The meerkats of Meerkat Manor are the Kardashians of the animal world.  They fight, play, scheme, and snuggle.  And they all have different roles, from leader to outcast and babysitter to warrior.  

The meerkats should have an action toy series, a line of clothing at Sears and a signature perfume.  There should also be a Meerkat Day.

Instead, we have stupid, lame, boring Groundhog Day.  When the groundhog emerges from its burrow, I hope a hawk swoops down and kills it.

Happy New Year!

Another year has come and gone.  2011: you were fabulous.  I got married, honeymooned in Maui, and started telecommuting.  Lots of wonderful things happened!  (I also started this blog in 2011, but I'll let you decide whether or not that was a good thing).

Over the years, my relationship with New Years Eve has evolved.  As a child, I thought it was one of the best parts of being an adult.  Everyone went to exciting parties, wore fabulous dresses and had life-altering experiences at midnight.  (My opinion was deeply influenced by When Harry Met Sally).

As a junior high and high school student, New Years Eve meant "lucrative babysitting gigs."  One year, it meant "Twin Peaks marathon."  I have a very low tolerance for scary/creepy shows, and to this day, I am haunted by one of the Twin Peaks episodes that I watched on December 31, 199?.

As a college student, New Years Eve was unpredictable/weird.  For the 1999/2000 celebration, my high school friend Kristin decided we should stay awake all night and take lots of photos.  My memories of that night are hazy, but we definitely drove to San Diego, ate a meal at Denny's, and took photographs at the Santa Monica pier around sunset.  For the 2000/2001 celebration, my baby sister had her appendix removed.  At midnight, I was in the emergency room.  It was an experience, to say the least.

In my mid-20s, I alternated between good New Years Eves and boring/awkward/disappointing New Years Eves.  The holiday just carries too many expectations for the young and single. 

Now, in my 30s, I celebrate the beginning/end of the year at home with my husband.  We cook a good meal, watch t.v. and fall asleep when we are tired.  Last year, this meant falling asleep before 10 p.m. 

No matter how you are celebrating New Years Eve, I hope you enjoy a safe and happy holiday.  And remember, there is no shame in falling asleep before midnight.   Happy New Year!

New Year Resolutions-Schmezolutions

New Year Resolutions are about fresh starts and beginnings.  It's about looking at your life and resolving to embrace new and improved habits.  Eat less!  Exercise more!  Stop impersonating the Swedish Chef in public!

Theoretically, if you make a resolution, then it shows you are determined to make that change a part of your life. 

Yeah.  Right.

In my experience, if it's on your New Years Resolution list, then it's not going to happen:

Resolution	What Actually Happens
Lose weight!	Gain 20-30 pounds.
Quit biting nails!	Chew off entire finger.
Be nicer to your fellow man!	Engage in an act of road rage so severe, it makes the national evening news.

I thought about making some Reverse Resolutions this year.  You know, instead of resolving to lose weight, I'll resolve to gain weight.  Then, I'll feel unnaturally compelled to train for a marathon and adopt a vegan diet.

However, I am not prepared to take that sort of risk.  Knowing my luck, I would finally manage to keep a New Years Resolution.  By the end of 2012, I'd look like a porpoise.  So this year, I am making zero resolutions.  Happy New Year!

The Thirteen Stages Of What Happens When You Wear A Distinctive Dress to A Holiday Party And Some Other $%&# Is Wearing The Same Dress

'Tis the season for holiday parties! 

I don't know why I just used the exclamation mark to finish that sentence.  The exclamation mark implies that I love holiday parties, but in my experience, holiday parties suck.  Maybe I would change my mind if I was invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party or an intimate cocktail party hosted by Tina Fey.  But in my experience, "holiday party" is just a nice way to say "obligatory office party that is depressing, awkward and awful." 

You know what's the worst part about holiday parties?  Deciphering the dress code.  Actually, that's probably not the worst part of a holiday party.  The worst part is getting stuck at a table with your least favorite co-workers and then being forced to dance with your boss.  (Not that I'm speaking from experience).  But "deciphering the dress code" is definitely on the list of Twenty Or Thirty Things That Really Suck About Holiday Parties.

And you know what's also on that list?  Wearing a distinctive dress to a holiday party and then some other #$%& is wearing the exact same dress.  The emotional response to this catastrophe is complicated but can be broken down into thirteen stages:

1.  Ignorance: You wear a distinctive dress to a holiday party.

2.  More ignorance: You are having a good time.  Someone compliments your dress.

3.  Awareness: Someone walks by and oh my god she's wearing my dress.

4.  Rage: That bitch.

5.  Insecurity: Is she thinner than me?

6.  Denial: That's okay, I still look hot in this dress.  

7.  Self-consciousness: Everyone knows.  They have all seen  that we are wearing the same dress.  That's all they can talk about.  Everyone in this ballroom/conference room/aquarium is debating who looks better in my dress: me or that bitch.

8.  Reasonableness: Stop being so paranoid.

9.  Despair: Oh my god, why is she wearing my dress???

10.  Alcohol: This alcohol tastes good.

11.  More Alcohol: Soooooo goooood.

12.  Forgetfulness: I really like waffles.

13.  The Next Day: Oh, it was so hilarious, I was my office's holiday party, and I was wearing the same dress as the boss' wife! Isn’t that a funny coincidence?

Wearing the same dress as another party goer is not a faux pas, but it certainly feels like one.  This year, I hope the Fashion Gods are kind and protect you from this disaster.  If not, I recommend hiding behind a Christmas tree with a big glass of egg nog.  Happy holiday parties!