Hi, loyal readers! Between raising a rambunctious toddler, writing my memoir about postpartum depression, organizing some grassroots support for mommas with PPD, training to be a trapeze artist, and battling forces of evil across the Universe, I have been super busy and neglecting this blog. While I focus on my stay-at-home mom, writer, circus and superhero gigs, I thought some guest bloggers could entertain you.
First Up: Agnes the Abandoned Sofa! I first met Agnes last winter during an early morning walk with Pippa. She had been abandoned by her latest owner and left on the curb. She looked very lonely and dejected, and I had a pebble in my shoe, so I sat down on her and we chatted.
And so began an unlikely friendship!
Her life began with a family of disgraced but wealthy Spanish aristocrats living in exile in Vermont. Who would have guessed that she would someday be friends with a California girl of humble ordinary roots? I feel so incredibly blessed to call Agnes my friend, and I hope you enjoy her posts.
Without further ado... Agnes the Abandoned Sofa!
THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.
Very long chess games.
Very short chess games.
Seven marriage proposals.
Five marriage proposal acceptances.
And, of course, charades.
God, I hate charades.
But look at me, it's my first guest blog post, and I'm babbling like a broken wicker rocking chair, and you know what they say about wicker furniture: there is crazy, and then there is bat shit wicker furniture crazy.
So let's talk about something Interesting and Important: your morning beauty regimen!!!
I know, I know. I am only an abandoned sofa. What do I know about exfoliants and moisturizers? Well, let me remind you, I might now live on the porch of a disreputable fraternity, but I used to be the personal sofa of the Countess Von Countess of Agua de la Mar. And although her family had been exiled to Vermont, and forced to tend a flock of goats, those goats produced cheese that is the stuff of legend. Have you ever heard about the Legend of the Vermont Goat Herder? Of course you have! Well, that legend is about a different herd of goats, but one time... oh shit, I'm babbling again. Sorry.
Anyway, I once lived in the Countess's personal dressing room where she attended to her beauty routine every single morning, and today I am going to share some tips I gleaned.
I think these tips will be very valuable because the Countess Von Countess was reputed to be a Great Beauty but she was, in fact, quite ugly.
Beauty tips are usually given by the very, very beautiful. WTF? What the hell does a beauty know about beauty regimens? A touch of mascara, a dab of lipstick, and yay, you are ready.
The Countess Von Countess, however, was working with a face that not even her mother could love. I was born after The Exile Affair, but I understand the Countess' face played a small role in that drama. There was also something about a veil and switched brides and an enchanted carousel.
But nobody wants to hear about switched brides or enchanted carousels. We are talking about beauty secrets!
Here is what the Countess Von Countess did every morning to make herself look like one of the world's greatest beauties:
First, she fetched her bag, which she kept in a locked chest, inside a locked closet.
Then, she took her Daytime Face out of the bag. The Daytime Face was a false face made from flower petals, pig skin and ketchup. Also, the Countess chanted a series of rhyming words while waving her arms around - the words were very important, but I do not remember them.
Just Google it. Google knows everything. It certainly knows the words to make a Daytime Face with flower petals, pig skin and ketchup.
This next part is very important: before adhering the Daytime Face to her Ugly Nocturnal Face, the Countess Von Countess spun around in a slow circle, a dozen times, and hummed. Then she summoned her Spirit Animal, a winged gargoyle named Jesse, and fed him breakfast. Breakfast varied from corn to goat fur to pancakes with cobwebs. After breakfast, Jesse whispered secrets into the Countess' ears.
I could tell you all about those secrets, because the Countess was always sitting on my cushions during that part of the Morning Beauty Routine, but I know you are not interested in those secrets. You are only interested in beauty tips.
So to recap: fetch the bag; take out the daytime face; spin and hum; feed your spirit animal; listen to dark secrets about the end of the world and the enslavement of mankind to the gargoyle overloads; and then, and only then, glue on your face with lipstick, mascara, foundation, and blush.
I recommend Clinique but in a pinch, any drugstore brand ought to get the job done.