Thursday, June 19, 2014

The Great Stroller Conspiracy

Ever since I got pregnant, I have been on a quest to find The One True Stroller. The One True Stroller is lighter than air; has durable wheels that glide over the bumpiest paths; a canopy that blocks the most tenacious of sun beams; a cargo area that carries enough supplies for a three day wilderness hike; a seating configuration that pleases my daughter; it must be emerald green because that is my favorite color, thank you very much; and it costs no more than $80.*  I have hunted and researched and shopped and searched far and wide on my quest for The One True Stroller, and this is what I have determined: it does not fucking exist.

When Pippa was born, I mostly used one of those Snap and Go contraptions that you pop the car seat into. It had a big basket underneath and folded easily. It got the job done, and I'll gladly use it again if we have another baby. But it was only good for six or seven months, and then Pippa wanted to face forward and see the world, so it is not The One True Stroller.  The One True Stroller needs some longevity, and six to seven months does not satisfy that criteria.

I also bought the Bob stroller while I was pregnant, and it has gotten a lot of use. I can push Bob over any terrain in Pasadena. It was great when Pippa and I took lots of long morning walks, but my darling does not have the patience for long walks anymore - unless she gets to nap. But I don't want her to nap in the stroller. I want her to nap in the crib, so I can get some writing done! So poor Bob has been languishing in the garage.

A few months ago, I added an Uppababy umbrella stroller to our fleet. I thought it was perfect. I realize now I was seduced by its emerald green beauty. Damn me and my blind spot for anything that is emerald green! My umbrella stroller has crap storage. The basket will not even accommodate our lunch bag. I have to hang my backpack on the handles. This works fine when Pippa is riding in the stroller, but as soon as she gets out ... BOOM! The damn stroller topples over. I have to take off the backpack first, then unbuckle Pippa, and then dump the backpack into the stroller seat. This works fine if we are just walking from Point A to B, e.g. parking lot to restaurant table, but we do lots of museums and activities like the zoo and aquarium, all of which involve lots of hopping in and out of the stroller every five minutes. Playing musical chairs with Pippa and my backpack gets really old really fucking quickly, and no matter how diligent I am, the stroller still falls over at least twice during every excursion.

So what now, Universe? Do I buy another stroller ? What the fuck, am I really supposed to buy an new stroller every six or seven months? Or should I suck it up and lug the Bob everywhere, even though it weighs an ass shit ton and does not even have a good storage area? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, UNIVERSE? STEAL A SHOPPING CART AND COVER IT WITH GREEN FABRIC AND LEARN HOW TO WELD OR MELT METAL OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT SO I CAN MAKE THE SHOPPING CART FLEXIBLE? IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?

You know why I cannot find my One True Stroller? Because the stroller companies have conspired to make sure that no stroller is perfect, so that we parents keep buying and buying stroller after not-quite-perfect stroller. Bastards. Would someone just design the perfect stroller already? And make sure it is emerald green? And sell it for no more than $80? And throw in a free deep conditioning treatment? If emerald green is asking for too much, apple green would be fine. See, Universe, I'm flexible.

*I'm sure if you diagram this sentence, you will discover that I violated eight or nine grammar rules. Hey Grammar Nazis, guess what? I don't give a shit.