My Doula Thinks I'm Lame, And I Really Don't Care

As I explained in yesterday's post, I don't actually have a doula. I did, however, attend a prenatal yoga class that was taught by a doula, so I like to pretend I have a doula-by-association. Also, for purposes of this post, "doula" just sounds cooler than "yoga instructor."

At the beginning of every yoga class, the doula asked a question like, 'Have you had any weird pregnancy symptoms?" or "Have you picked the baby's name yet?" Then we went around the room, introduced ourselves, and answered the question.

One week, the doula asked, "Who is going to be present with you during labor?"

Most of the students answered, "Just my husband." One student responded, "My husband and my mom." (Her mom is a labor and delivery nurse.) I was the last person to answer the question, so when it was my turn, I said, "My husband and a big stack of DVDs."

To my response, my doula-by-association said, "Okaaaay." From her tone of voice, I could tell she was really saying, "How lame. Who on earth would want to miss out on the amazing miracle of labor? Courtney, please, you should be embracing your every contraction and celebrating every wave of pain that racks your mortal flesh. Don't space out and watch a movie! Only lame weaklings watch dvd's when they are in labor."

Yeah? Well, maybe I am a lame weakling, but I don't care. I have no idea what I'm going to be like when I'm in labor. I might be very chatty. I might be very quiet. I might want to scrub the kitchen floor. I might want to take a shower, bake some cookies, do the Hustle and take another shower. And yes, I might want to watch a movie to pass the time.

I know I'm not alone in this desire because the labor and delivery rooms at our hospital are equipped with blu-ray players. Since the thought of being able to watch a favorite movie comforts me, I have filled my hospital bag with an ass shit ton of DVDs and Blu-rays. (I'm sorry, I don't know why, but lately I'm obsessed with the phrase "ass shit ton.")

In case you are curious, these are the movies that have secured a place in my hospital bag:

- The Avengers: I specifically bought this for labor and told Nathan we cannot, under any circumstances, watch it until the contractions start. I can't wait to see Hulk smash.
- Beetlejuice: An old favorite.
- Inception: I could watch this movie every week and never tire of it.
- Despicable Me: The minions and Gru always take me to a happy place.
- Clueless: As if! This will satisfy any desire I have to watch a chick flick without making Nathan puke.
- Napolean Dynamite: If this does not distract me, then I'll know it's time for the epidural.
- Seabiscuit: Although my favorite race horse is Secretariat, this is my favorite movie about a race horse.
- The Back to the Future trilogy: There are no words to describe my love for Marty McFly and Doc Brown.
- Julie & Julia: I love me a good cooking movie. And I love me Meryl Strep and Amy Adams.
- Pride & Prejudice, the Keira Knightley version: On the one hand, I will be the one in labor, so if I need some Jane Austen, Nathan is just going to have to deal. On the other hand, I love my husband, so I'm not going to subject him to the longer BBC Colin Firth version.
- The Muppets: Jason Segal, Amy Adams, and Kermit? If the opening dance number doesn't make you smile, then I'm sorry but you have no soul.
- Sideways: Not only is this movie amazing and hilarious, but it involves lots of beautiful wine. I have not had a drop of wine since June. Two weekends ago, I sniffed my cousin Julie's glass of Chardonnay and oh my god, I wanted to die, it smelled so good. Maybe this movie can inspire me to get through labor so I can celebrate with a glass of something bubbly.
- Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves: Confession: I asked for this movie for Christmas when I was in junior high school. My parents assumed I had a crush on Christian Bale, but actually, I had a huge crush on Kevin Costner.
- The Truman Show: This movie is one of my all-time favorites but I haven't seen it in years. And holy crap, Paul Giamatti is in it? Oh shoot, I so want to watch this movie now. Must... exercise... self-control....
- Master and Commander, The Far Side of the World: Because sometimes a girl in labor needs some Russell Crowe, and we just watched Gladiator in January.


Notable omissions:
- The original Star Wars trilogy should be first on the list, but I don't own the DVD or Blu-ray. And I refuse to buy it until the powers that be release the Blu-ray of the original version, before George Lucas screwed it up by adding new scenes and special effects. If I have to watch the fake CGI Jabba the Hut while I'm in labor, I'll kill someone.
- I'm leaving the Lord of the Rings at home because despite my love for hobbits and dwarves, I can't handle Samwise Gamgee while I'm in labor. He's just too earnest and genuine.
- Many chick flicks did not make the cut because if I see Nathan smirk at Bridget Jones or Lucy Honeychurch, I will hit him until he cries like a girl.
- I am also leaving behind anything that will make me cry, e.g. The Hunger Games, The Dark Knight Rises and Moulin Rouge. (As for Moulin Rouge, I know I'd end up throwing Nathan out of the room during the first musical number.)

Hopefully I will not have time to watch even half the movies in my hospital bag. But, if the Universe has decided I need to have one of those epic marathon labor sessions, I am prepared!

I Stayed Awake Past My Bedtime!

Last night, Argo won the Academy Award for Best Picture. I predicted this last October. Excuse me while I take a moment to gloat and bask in my psychic powers.

In even more exciting news, I stayed awake past 9 p.m. and watched the entire Oscars, from start to finish! Okay, we didn't watch the entire show. We recorded the show and then Nathan skipped over the boring bits (of which there were many). But the important thing is that I saw Ben Affleck's acceptance speech live, and folks, I have not stayed awake past 9 p.m. in MONTHS. If I'm awake past 8 p.m., that is a miracle deserving a parade and fireworks. But 9 p.m.? I didn't think it was possible!

Thank you, Seth MacFarlane. You were an entertaining host and you kept this pregnant lady awake waaaaay past her bedtime. Now, if only Mr. MacFarlane could do something about my uncontrollable pregnancy thirst... (Seriously, folks, I guzzle water all day and all night, but the more I drink, the more my uterus demands.)

Argo and Boss

On Sunday, Nathan and I saw the movie Argo and then we watched the Season Two finale of Boss. Both were excellent. (And thank God for that, because the Cardinals decided to crap out later that night.)

Argo is about the effort to rescue six Americans during the Iran Hostage Crisis. As the embassy was being stormed, these Americans escaped and managed to hide at the Canadian ambassador's house. The CIA created a fake sci-fi movie called Argo, so the Americans could pretend they were members of a Canadian film crew scouting locations in Iran.

The movie is both intense and funny. I cried several times - but those might have been my pregnancy hormones (seeing as I also cried at the end of The Dark Knight). As serious as the subject matter was, I also laughed many times, especially when either John Goodman or Alan Arkin were on screen. The cast, by the way, is ridiculous. Just take a look at the credits.

Ben Affleck was also great. Seriously. He usually annoys the crap out of me. When I first saw a preview for Argo, I told Nathan, "Too bad. Looks like Ben Affleck is going to ruin what could be a great movie." Wow, was I wrong. Apparently Ben Affleck can act, and he's just been choosing the wrong roles. Also, he directed this movie, so maybe he shines best when he has more control over the film. Whatever the reason, I have a new appreciation for Mr. Affleck.

I'd like to go on the record now and predict that this movie will win the Academy Award for Best Picture. It might not be the best film of 2012, but it is certainly up there. In light of the recent tragic events in Libya, it should resonate deeply with viewers. At the end of the movie, the audience at my theater applauded.

Argo seems to be getting the attention it deserves, but unfortunately, Boss is not. Boss is about the Chicago political scene. Kelsey Grammar plays the corrupt mayor who is dying from a rare disease that causes delusions. It is OUTSTANDING: there are lots of surprising plot twists and compelling characters. The writers do an excellent job of creating a lot of random story lines that actually come together in the end.

As we were cleaning up dinner on Sunday, I was happily babbling to Nathan about Boss and the questions that I hoped would be answered during Season Three. Nathan sadly informed me that he had read an article that suggested Boss would not be renewed for a third season.

#$%&@())(*!#@&@!*!!!

Boss is such an original show, and Kelsey Grammar has done an amazing job playing the Chicago mayor AND THIS SHOW MIGHT BE CANCELLED!?!?!

I blame you. Yes, you, the person reading this blog entry. It's your fault. If you don't watch Boss, then you are personally responsible for its poor ratings and tragic demise. Why are you doing this to me? Stop watching Two and a Half Men and shake up your television commitments. YOU NEED TO WATCH BOSS OR I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. 

A Fistful of Quarters

Have you ever seen The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters? It's a documentary about a group of video game dweebs obsessed with earning the highest score ever in Donkey Kong and it is amazing.

Nathan playing Donkey Kong at our local car wash shortly
after we first watched A Fistful of Quarters.

You don't have to like Donkey Kong (or even video games, for that matter) to appreciate this documentary. There is a cast of compelling characters, and the film is well edited. The nerds are shockingly nerdy, the mean people are so very mean, and the arrogant asses take arrogance to new levels. Every time we see it on t.v., we stop to watch it. 

A Fistful of Quarters is really like a Gorillas in the Mist for uber-nerds. Most nerds eventually grow up and learn to do things like make eye contact and flirt properly, but some nerds endure. A Fistful of Quarters proves that the nerds in Big Bang Theory actually do exist in real life.

Other documentaries that prove that the Big Bang Theory is closer to fact than fiction: Trekkies; Spellbound; and Word Wars - Tiles and Tribulations on the Scrabble Game Circuit.

Walking Out

Have you ever seen a movie so bad that you left the theater before it was over? Until today, I had never done this. I don't finish every movie I rent, but if I paid for the movie ticket, I'm going to sit in the theater until the credits roll.

But this morning, I took myself on a date to see Woody Allen's new movie, To Rome With Love. I have a love-hate relationship with Woody Allen movies (love: Annie Hall, Manhattan, Midnight in Paris; hate: Celebrity, Match Point). I never know where the latest Woody Allen movie will fall on the love-hate spectrum, so I try to give them all a chance.

Nathan was not willing to give To Rome a chance. I pouted, widened my eyes, and stroked his arm in the most pathetic way possible, but my man was not willing to waste two hours on this film. I reasoned and argued and reminded him how much we loved Midnight in Paris last summer, but to no avail. So finally, with some free time this morning, I took myself.

Big mistake. Within three minutes, I realized I should have followed my husband's instincts and skipped this movie. I love you, Woody, but I just did not click with To Rome With Love.

So I left.

There were about forty minutes left to the movie, and I had zero interest in seeing how things worked out. I debated my decision for a few minutes:

Me: I hate this movie.
Me: Agree.
Me: I should leave now.
Me: Yes, please.
Me: Maybe I'll feel guilty if I leave.
Me: You're going to feel guilty if you waste any more time on this stupid movie.
Me: Maybe ... I want a bagel for lunch.
Me: Excellent plan! Let's ditch this movie and get a bagel.
Me: Deal.

I think I need to watch Annie Hall tonight to restore my faith in Woody Allen. Also, Pasadena needs more bagel shops. (And while we're at, Pasadena also needs a decent deli. Could someone arrange this? A girl should not have to drive 20 miles for a decent potato knish!)

Children's Movies for Grown-Ups

Yes, I'm thirty-three.  And yes, I still love children's movies.  By "children's movies," I mean "intelligent, funny movies that just so happen to be animated and/or involve puppets."  I do not mean "crappy movies that make you want to gouge your eyes out and never have children/abandon any children you already have."  Those movies suck, and I refuse to watch them. 

These are my favorite children's movies.  They are highly entertaining and should not be missed.  No matter how old I get, I hope to always love animation and puppets.

1.  Despicable Me - I dare you to watch this movie and not fall in love with the minions.  If you don't love the minions, please stop reading this blog.  The sequel is coming out in 2013, and I cannot wait!
2.  Up
3.  The Toy Story Trilogy
4.  The Muppets - Just the new one.  I rewatched The Muppets Take Manhattan recently and it's a children's movie in the worst sense of the term.  It made my soul hurt a little.  But the new one makes me smile until my face hurts.
5.  Labyrinth - David Bowie is the Goblin King in a Jim Henson movie.  Bowie composed the music.  And he wears spandex.  Enough said.
6.  Lilo and Stitch - The adventures of a crazy destructive alien in Hawaii.  Just thinking about this movie makes my heart swell. 
7.  Disney's Beauty and the Beast
8.  The Nightmare Before Christmas - Stop-motion animation + Tim Burton + Danny Elfman soundtrack = one of my favorite movies in the world.     
9.  Megamind
10.  Wall-E
11.  Fantastic Mr. Fox - Wes Anderson + George Clooney's voice + animation = why the hell is this movie on my Amazon wishlist and not yet in my dvd cupboard?

Notable omission: Disney's The Little Mermaid.  I adore this movie, but my baby sister watched this movie to death.  This was back in the pre-DVD world, and she would cry while we were rewinding the movie so she could watch it again.  Sometimes, we told her "the Little Mermaid is sleeping now" just so we could watch something that did not involve singing sea creatures.  I have not seen this movie in years, but I could probably recite at least 80% of the lines from memory.  As a matter of principle, I'm leaving this movie off the list. 

Movie Theater Etiquette Rant

I can't believe I have to write this post.  Folks, it's two-thousand-and- freaking-twelve.  As members of a civilized society, we should all know how to watch a movie at a movie theater.  (If you live in a remote village in Siberia, this post does not apply to you). 

But while I was recently watching the Hunger Games, I was shocked and appalled by the audience's behavior.  You know what movie theaters need?  Ushers.  Big ushers who act as bouncers and evict any rude patrons.  But we since we don't have Usher-Bouncers, I give you the Cranky Pumpkin's Rules for Watching A Movie At A Movie Theater In A Civilized Society:

1) TURN OFF YOUR FREAKING CELL PHONE.  You stupid idiots, I don't want to hear your Justin Bieber ring tone.  You are ruining a sacred experience.

2)  NO TEXTING/TWITTER/FACEBOOK/ETC.  I see you.  I am trying to watch the movie but out of the corner of my eye, I see you and your stupid smart phone, which is glowing like a freaking bonfire.  If the theater is dark, we can all see you stupid text message screens AND IT'S REALLY ANNOYING.

3)  NO KICKING.  Okay, I am in a charitable mood.  I understand that accidental seat kicks happen to the best of us.  So just be careful and restrict yourself to no more than one kick for every twenty minutes of the film, including previews.  But if you feel the need to kick my chair every thirty seconds, I might feel the need to rip your leg from its socket.

4)  DO NOT PLAY MUSICAL CHAIRS IN THE THEATER.  When you arrive in the theater, first survey your options.  Then, pick your seats, sit in your seats, AND STAY THERE.  I understand if you need to get up for the bathroom or concession stand.  But you don't need to test every seat in the theater.  If you sit down and then discover you are sitting next to a man who has not bathed since the Reagan administration, then yes, of course, you should relocate to the other side of the theater.  Otherwise, after the movie starts, stay in one place. 

5)  NO SLURPING, SMACKING, TALKING, BURPING, OR MAKING OF OTHER RUDE SOUNDS.  If you feel the need to talk about Aunt Irma's new haircut during the movie, you forfeit the right to watch it on the big screen.  Sorry, asshole, you bought one ticket, not the entire theater.  You don't get to ruin everyone's day at the movies.  Sign up for Netflix.

6)  DO NOT LAUGH DURING EMOTIONAL SCENES.  Shamefully, I did this once.  I laughed as the Titanic was going down.  I should have been tarred, feathered and shot in the leg.  I know I should forgive the teenagers who feel the need to snicker during the tear jerkers moments - but I can't.  You stupid jerks, it's not funny, so shut up. 

7)  NO FEDORAS OR VIEW-BLOCKING HATS.  I'm looking at you, hipsters, and your stupid hat, because it's blocking my view.  Take off your hat or I will crush it until you cry.  (p.s. your skinny tie and skinny pants look stupid).
 
8)  DO NOT SMELL THE HAIR OF THE PATRON SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU.  This happened to me once, and granted, it happened in high school while I was at a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and that was the least scandalous moment of the night, but still, I just wanted to throw this out there: Don't smell my hair.

The Cranky Pumpkin reserves the right to revise these rules at any time.  If you are caught breaking these rules, nothing bad will actually happen to you.  Except, of course, you will probably go to the seventh level of hell and burn unil the end of time.  So there's that.

Movies for Cranky Ladies

Sometimes, I just need to sit on the couch, be in a bad mood, and watch a movie.  Alone.  (Unless a glass of red wine counts as companionship).  I might parktake in some mindless knitting, or I might just huddle under a blanket and be cranky.  If I watch one of these movies, I am always in a better mood by the end of the film.

In no particular mood, these are my favorite movies to watch when I'm cranky:

1.  Bridget Jones Diary
2.  Pride & Prejudice (either the long BBC version with Colin Firth or the shorter version with Keira Knightley)
3.  Mama Mia!  The Movie
4.  Four Weddings and a Funeral (which is only available from alternate sellers on Amazon - WTF?  I mean, seriously, WTF??)
5.  500 Days of Summer (I had to make sure something with Zooey Deschanel made the list - sorry, minor girl crush)
6.  Chocolat (Judi Dench, Johnny Depp, and lots of chocolate in Paris?  Yes, please!)
7.  Like Water for Chocolate 
8.  Eat, Pray, Love (This book and movie seem to have a lot of haters, but I just love them both).
9.  Easy A
10.  Julie & Julia
11.  My Big Fat Greek Wedding (one of the few Nathan-approved movies on the list)
12.  13 Going on 30 (I'm probably going to lose a lot of credibility putting this on the list, but I don't care.  I watched it the night before starting the California bar exam and it took me to a happy place.  Maybe it will help you).
13.  Bend It Like Beckham
14.  Amelie
15.  A Room With A View (Of all the movies on this list, I've probably watched this one the most).
16.  Breakfast at Tiffany's
17.  Coco Before Chanel (for the fashion)
18.  Strictly Ballroom
19.  A League of Their Own
20.  Paper Heart (I love Charylyne Yi, the writer and lead actress of this film.  I could listen to her talk about sandpaper for hours).
21.  Away We Go (Maya Rudolph, I love you!)
22.  Marie Antoinette (costume porn)
23.  Bridesmaids
24.  The Joy Luck Club
25.  Disney's Beauty and the Beast
26.  Disney's The Little Mermaid  (I could list more Disney movies, but I won't).
27.  Dirty Dancing
28.  Grease
29.  Clueless
30.  Under The Tuscan Sun (Warning: you might accidentally buy tickets to Italy after watching this).
31.  Ever After: A Cinderella Story
32.  The Help
33.  Hairspray (The movie starring John Travolta in drag).

Please note: I intentionally omitted the Sex and the City movies from this list.  I believe that show turns women into crazy psychotic emotional vampire bitches.  Yes, the clothes and girls are fun.  But if you are already in a cranky mood, just say NO to Sex and the City.

Tom Cruise: Why Did You Have to Jump On That Couch?

I recently saw Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol in IMAX.  It was a highly entertaining action film.  I'm so glad I saw it on the massive IMAX screen.  There were beautiful shots of Russia and Budapest (it felt like a National Geographic special at times); and the IMAX screen and sound system really shined during the action sequences.

But I didn't really care about seeing the movie.  I was perfectly willing to see it, but only after seeing the new Sherlock Holmes movie, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  If Mission Impossible had left theaters before I had a chance to see it, I would not have even noticed.

I blame Tom Cruise.

In May 2005, Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch while declaring his love for Katie Holmes.  I don't follow celebrity gossip, but it was impossible to ignore the couch-jumping incident.  It creeped me out.

This is a shame, because (a) Tom Cruise can really act and (b) Tom Cruise tends to pick good scripts.  If he's in a movie, my involuntary reaction should be "I want to see that!"  But ever since the jumping-on-the-couch incident, I have the opposite reaction.  

Since Tom turned Oprah's couch into a trampoline, I've only seen two of his new releases, Valkyrie and MI.  Both were excellent. Valkyrie made me think about movies, history and storytelling for days.  MI was the ideal action film.  For these movies alone, I should be able to overlook Tom's crazy couch past.

But I'm not there yet.  Maybe I just need more time to heal.  In the meantime, I will just have to keep reminding myself that Tom Cruise the Couch Jumper is different and separate from Tom Cruise the Actor.

Why did he have to jump on that couch??

Add This To Your Netflix Queue: Easy A

Last night, I watched Easy A.  I never saw a preview for this movie’s theatrical release and had zero expectations.  Honestly, I was planning to only devote half my attention to the movie.  It was going to be background noise for a craft project.

The movie was awesome.  I abandoned my craft project, poured myself a glass of cheap white wine, and enjoyed a fantastic movie night.  

Easy A is a high school movie in the same genre as Pretty in Pink and Mean Girls.  The protagonist, Olive Penderghast, is a virgin, but the entire high school believes she is the school slut-whore-tramp.  Emma Stone plays the smart protagonist, and I fell in love with her character immediately.

I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, but every other line of dialogue was brilliant. There were references to Judy Blume and the “Sweet Valley Traveling Pants.”  When Olive complains that “John Hughes did not direct my life,” there is a montage of clips from classic 80s high school movies.  There is even a musical number just because every movie should have at least one musical number.

If you have not yet seen Easy A, I urge you to add it to your Netflix queue post haste.  I myself am going to buy the dvd for my small but reliable collection of movies that cheer me up on “my dark days” (translation: that special time of month when I am a homicidal, hormonal, crazy bitch lady).