My Rain Boots Kick Your Boots Ass

For years, I have coveted a pair of rain boots with a fun, cheerful design.  But I live in Southern California.  How can I justify a pair of rain boots when I live in a Mediterranean climate? 

But Pasadena gets a fair amount of rain, and wet shoes suck, even if you live in Southern California.  So I finally bought myself a pair of rain boots with a whale design.  And then I bought a pink rain jacket because I like to wear bright colors on rainy days.

My rainy day outfit makes me so happy.  I shamelessly wear the boots even if there is just a light mist outside. 

The Thirteen Stages Of What Happens When You Wear A Distinctive Dress to A Holiday Party And Some Other $%&# Is Wearing The Same Dress

'Tis the season for holiday parties! 

I don't know why I just used the exclamation mark to finish that sentence.  The exclamation mark implies that I love holiday parties, but in my experience, holiday parties suck.  Maybe I would change my mind if I was invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party or an intimate cocktail party hosted by Tina Fey.  But in my experience, "holiday party" is just a nice way to say "obligatory office party that is depressing, awkward and awful." 

You know what's the worst part about holiday parties?  Deciphering the dress code.  Actually, that's probably not the worst part of a holiday party.  The worst part is getting stuck at a table with your least favorite co-workers and then being forced to dance with your boss.  (Not that I'm speaking from experience).  But "deciphering the dress code" is definitely on the list of Twenty Or Thirty Things That Really Suck About Holiday Parties.

And you know what's also on that list?  Wearing a distinctive dress to a holiday party and then some other #$%& is wearing the exact same dress.  The emotional response to this catastrophe is complicated but can be broken down into thirteen stages:

1.  Ignorance: You wear a distinctive dress to a holiday party.

2.  More ignorance: You are having a good time.  Someone compliments your dress.

3.  Awareness: Someone walks by and oh my god she's wearing my dress.

4.  Rage: That bitch.

5.  Insecurity: Is she thinner than me?

6.  Denial: That's okay, I still look hot in this dress.  

7.  Self-consciousness: Everyone knows.  They have all seen  that we are wearing the same dress.  That's all they can talk about.  Everyone in this ballroom/conference room/aquarium is debating who looks better in my dress: me or that bitch.

8.  Reasonableness: Stop being so paranoid.

9.  Despair: Oh my god, why is she wearing my dress???

10.  Alcohol: This alcohol tastes good.

11.  More Alcohol: Soooooo goooood.

12.  Forgetfulness: I really like waffles.

13.  The Next Day: Oh, it was so hilarious, I was my office's holiday party, and I was wearing the same dress as the boss' wife! Isn’t that a funny coincidence?

Wearing the same dress as another party goer is not a faux pas, but it certainly feels like one.  This year, I hope the Fashion Gods are kind and protect you from this disaster.  If not, I recommend hiding behind a Christmas tree with a big glass of egg nog.  Happy holiday parties! 

Baseball's Latest Fashion Statement

As I've mentioned before, my husband is a rabid Cardinals fan and we have been watching a lot of baseball this month.  Nathan notices things like the pitcher's stance or how the batter swings the bat.  He scrutinizes the Rangers for weaknesses that the Cardinals can exploit.  Then, he references some game that was played in 1967 and rattles off a bunch of stats.

I pay attention to the fashion on the field.

Usually, I like to talk about the players' socks.  Ideally, a player should be wearing bright socks that are pulled up to the knees.  It looks so bad ass!  If I could walk around in public wearing white spandex pants and red socks pulled up to my knees, believe me, I would. 

But this month, I've been noticing the jewelry more than the socks.  Yes, the players are wearing jewelry: specifically, thick colorful braided necklaces.  You can see a sample for sale here.

After some exhaustive research (okay, I checked Google), I determined the players are wearing ionic braided titanium necklaces.  Apparently, it's a Miracle Necklace.  Folks, this necklace does not just look cool.  It also improves your balance, reduces fatigue, and aids in recovery if you get a bad boo boo. 

I need one of these necklaces for the gym.  Not because some ionic titanium is going to improve my form on the rowing machine.  (Knowing my luck, I'm probably allergic to ionized titanium in its braided form and will get a horrible rash).  But at the gym, I need some credibility.  I'm the weakling who uses the five pound weights for her biceps curls (and that's only because I can't find any four pound weights).  On the cardio machines, I slog along at the slowest pace.  And on the stretching mats, I'm the fool who can't touch her toes.

But once I have an ionic braided titanium necklace, everyone will take me seriously.  My gym colleagues will flock to me for advice.  Personal trainers will start to read my blog for tips.  The gym will give me my own locker room.  It will be glorious.  I just need to wear an ionic braided titanium necklace like all the cool baseball players.  

Fashion: Let's Bring Back the Renaissance!

I do not know much about fashion, but I know at least one thing: the fashion world loves to recycle old trends and styles.  Even though it’s the twenty-first century, we are told things like “you really need to wear these long hippie skirts” or “bell bottoms are back.”       

If fashion designers are willing to revisit the 1960s and ‘70s, I think they should look to even earlier eras for inspiration.  Why stop with the twentieth century?  Let’s bring back the Renaissance!   And English medieval fashion!  Every discerning girl needs a kirtle and a wimple in her wardrobe.  

I’m not actually advocating the return of Renaissance and medieval fashions.  I don’t see myself running errands wearing a girdle and velvet cape.  However, I would love to see the revival of fashion worn by the Roman nobility during Julius Caesar’s reign. 

If you think I’m crazy, watch an episode of the HBO series Rome. 
The dresses worn by the wealthy female characters make me gasp with jealousy (think flowy fabrics that are draped and cinched in the most flattering of ways).   But let’s limit the revival of Roman Empire fashion to women.  I don’t want to give men a blank check to run around in togas and gladiator sandals.  It’s bad enough when men wear short-shorts at the gym.  I would drop dead if 24 Hour Fitness was suddenly crowded with men in purple robes.

I also urge fashion designers to watch movies based on Jane Austen’s novels, especially the Keira Knightley version of Pride & Prejudice.  Fashion designers, please pay close attention to the dresses with flattering empire waists – they are beautiful and very practical for long, melancholy walks across the heath.  These dresses need to be available at Nordstroms, ok?

I realize the revival of fashions from the 1800s are unlikely.  For at least the foreseeable future, J.Crew and Banana Republic will not be selling fashions worn by the ancient Roman nobility and Elizabeth Bennet.* [Insert dramatic sigh].  But a girl can dream.

*I should not have to tell you this, but Elizabeth Bennet is the protagonist of Pride & Prejudice.  I’d like to be her friend except (a) she lived in England during the 1800s and (b) she’s a fictional character. 

WTF: Stockings at the Gym

I saw the most appalling thing at my gym this morning: a woman, exercising on an elliptical machine, wearing neon orange shorts, a matching striped cardigan, a visor and stockings.  There are two serious issues with this outfit.  I will begin by addressing the lesser offense.

Offense No. 1: The visor.  My gym is underground.  There are no windows.  In other words, it is never sunny in my gym.  Let me tell you what a visor looks like in an underground gym: stupid.  It doesn’t look cool or hip or even whimsical.  It just looks stupid. 

Offense No. 2: The stockings/pantyhose.  WHO WEARS STOCKINGS TO THE GYM???  If you do not like the way your legs look, there is this amazing invention called PANTS that you can wear.  But shorts and stockings?  That does not enhance your performance on the elliptical machine.  It just makes me an extra cranky pumpkin.