Secret Santa: Gift Ideas

It's that time of year again!  It's time to trim the tree, drink lots of hot chocolate and listen to Christmas carols until your husband begs for mercy. 

But Christmas is not all mistletoe and Kris Kringle.  A season as wonderful as Christmas needs at least one or two crappy traditions.  That's why the Universe invented the Secret Santa gift exchange.

I realize that, in principle, Secret Santa can be fun.  But Secret Santa is only as good as the lowest denominator.  And there is always a lowest common denominator.  If the participants are told to spend about $20 on their Secret Santa gift, someone who will spend $3 on mothballs and a crushed candy cane.  And I don't mean to sound like Ebeneezer Scrooge, but I always buy an awesome present that goes way over the $20 limit and end up with the mothballs. 

My brothers and sisters, it is time to fight back!  If you have ever received a crappy gift from your Secret Santa, it is time for Santa's revenge.  This year, don't waste your time agonizing over the perfect Secret Santa gift.  Instead, use one of my ideas:

• A framed photograph of yourself.  Don't spend too much on the frame.  The photo is the star of this gift.
• Diet pills. 
• A package of ground beef.  (Bonus points if the recipient is a vegan).

Seriously, there's no need to buy a video game system for the ungrateful secretary who works down the hall.  Because you know who your Secret Santa is?  That's right, it's your boss.  And you know what he's going to give you this year?  Some post-it notes and pens that he stole from the supply closet.