Omnibus Wedding Advice Post

Nathan and I got married a year and a half ago, and I started this blog shortly after our honeymoon. At the time, since I still had the wedding on the brain, I wrote a long ass list of advice I wanted to share with my baby sister. I figured it would be easier to post the advice on my blog, so she could read it at her leisure. This seemed much more civilized than inundating her with a bunch of (unwanted) advice when she gets engaged some day.

I've been slacking on my wedding advice series, and with baby's imminent arrival, I predict the slacking will only get worse. In the interest of getting all my advice into the blogosphere, I'm just going to dump my remaining thoughts into this post. Katherine, when it is time for you to plan your wedding, feel free to ignore all of this advice! I realize you are far more stylish than me and my advice is probably total crap.

• Remember: it's a wedding INDUSTRY. They want to suck as much money out of you our parents as possible.
• The wedding magazines will make you feel like you have to have your entire life mapped out in order to throw a successful wedding. This is bullshit. You don't need a signature perfume in order to get married. And you may decide in five years that you don't like the sugar bowl you registered for - that doesn't make you an evil human being.
• Make sure the items on your registry hit a broad range of price points. Someone may actually want to give you a $5 can opener, and someone else may want to spend $300 on a kitchen gadget.
• Don't make a ton of changes to your diet the month before your wedding. The day before your wedding? Not a good time to start eating more fiber. The week before your wedding? Not a good time to quit caffeine or smoking or heroin. (FYI, if you ever try heroin, I'll kill you.)
• It's okay to wear flip-flops under your gown, assuming the dress is long enough. They do not need to be expensive. I spent HOURS searching for the perfect pair of bridal flip-flops online and ended up wearing $5 white wedge flip-flops from Old Navy during the reception. They were the same height as the heels I wore during the ceremony, and no one could see them under my dress. (And if anyone could see them? Eff em.)
• Your man does not have to help you with the registry.
• In fact, it is probably best if your man does not help with the registry.
• You do not have to register for china. Only register for what you actually want.
• Do not be a drunk bride. 
• It's the bride's job to have fun at her wedding. The guests cannot enjoy themselves if the bride looks miserable (except for maybe a few drunk assholes). Do your best to make sure everyone enjoys the wedding and then let it go. Someone will have a bad time and seriously, that's out of your control. If you spend the entire day obsessing over that one person, the wedding will be ruined.
• Get your crazies out before the wedding. Then, you can be calm on the happy day. If you need me to hold your hand while you have a nervous breakdown about the shrimp cocktail, I can do that for you.
• Everyone appreciates a free pair of dancing flip-flops. Because no matter how many weddings they attend, people will always forget to wear comfortable dancing shoes.

• You don't have to pick a short song for your first dance. After a certain point, the DJ can fade out the song or invite other couples to the floor. If you adopt the second strategy, make sure several couples are prepared to ambush the dance floor at the right moment. Nathan and I are happy to do this for you.
• You will obsess over something stupid. For me, it was finding the right pair of sexy espadrilles for the honeymoon. After hours of stupid obsessing, I found the right sandals ... and never wore them. But that's okay. It's okay to be stupid about something.
• You don't have to toss the bouquet. Think about your female guests. Are there a bunch of young unmarried women in their 20s who are happy to fight for the bouquet? Or are there a bunch of unmarried women in their 30s and 40s who are humiliated by the concept?
• It's okay if the groom is not excited about the wedding planning. His level of interest in the stationary has no bearing whatsoever on your future happiness as a couple. Nathan was interested in the alcohol and honeymoon and ... yeah, that's really it.
• Be yourself. I hated the idea of having everyone looking at me as Dad escorted me up the aisle. So instead of traditional wedding processional music, I had the DJ play the Star Wars theme song and that made me sooooo happy.
• But you don't have to personalize every detail. Remember those stupid trivia cards I made? Yeah, so glad I threw those out.
• Unless the guest list is very, very small, you will not have time to chat with all your guests. That's okay. Just try your best to visit with the guests who traveled.
• If it's in the budget, I highly recommend a sweets table. Wedding guests love unlimited access to sugar.

• Boutonniere: don't make your man wear a pink flower unless he wants to.

• You can't control the weather. If there's a possibility of rain, just make sure there is a covered area for the reception. The ceremony will work itself out.
• Make sure you designate someone to help with group photos. Your wedding photographer does not have a freaking clue who your Aunt Pam or Uncle Al are.
• Also, make sure someone is in charge of policing the area that is being used for wedding portraits. It's really unfortunate when the bride has to wave her bouquet in the air and scream, "Aunt Claire! Move out of the way!!!" (Not that I'm speaking from experience.)
• Your brother can be a bridesmaid.
• Your wedding cake can be small. Just have a sheet cake in the kitchen that can be sliced up for the guests.

• You will not look good in every photo. People will post really unflattering shots of you on Facebook. Get over it.
• If any of your guests are bringing babies or small children, make sure they are seated at a table with an easy escape route.
• Children are cute, but you don't have to invite everyone's child. My rule was the kid was invited if her parents had traveled from another state or if she was a relative.
• Have your man look at photos of wedding rings online before you go shopping for his band. He's a guy. He's never thought about jewelry. Ever. His head will explode at the possibilities. He will need a very large slice of pie after this ordeal is over.
• People don't drink red wine at summer weddings. We bought waaaay too much red wine. Our guests drank beer, white wine and whatever liquor was available.
• Set aside a few moments with your groom after the ceremony. He's your husband now! You deserve some time together. Have someone bring you a few appetizers while you decompress - you'll be hungry. In that same vein, sweetheart tables are AWESOME.

• Practice the first kiss.
• A low key rehearsal dinner can be really fun. Think margaritas and nachos.
• If you host a day-after brunch, it does not have to be formal. We just had bagels and donuts. Nathan still talks about the donuts. He really enjoyed getting to pick out six dozen donuts at once. I bought the orange juice in advance because no one wants to worry about orange juice the morning after their wedding.
• Get as much as possible done in advance so you can spend time with friends and family in the 48 hours before your happy day.
• You do not have to honeymoon in an exotic land. It is very relaxing to honeymoon in an English-speaking destination. Maui = perfect.

• Do not get a massage the week before your wedding. You don't want to end up with some freak injury.
• You don't have to attend formal cake tastings. Especially if there's a bakery you already love that does wedding cakes.
• You don't have to take formal dance lessons. There is nothing wrong with the awkward adolescent sway.
• Are you actually still reading this?
• After the major decisions have been made (venue, color scheme, band vs. DJ), stop looking at wedding blogs and magazines. You don't want to question your judgment and drive yourself crazy.
• Everyone has an opinion. You don't have to follow all the advice you receive. You just have to do what works for you and your groom.
• You might see your calligrapher in her underpants. It will be kind of traumatizing. This is not really advice, but I just wanted to get that warning out there.
• You can spend the night before your wedding at your home. You don't have to stay at a fancy hotel. I myself stayed at home because this was calmer. I didn't have to worry about packing all my toiletries.
• It's okay if the groom sees your dress before the wedding. Trust me, he still won't have any idea what you are going to look like in the dress (unless you are marrying a tailor or fashion designer).

There was no way I could hide
this bad boy from Nathan.

• You don't have to write your vows. Because if you do, someone's will be better. Do you want to feel crappy that you half-assed your vows while your groom wrote a sonnet for the ages?
• People will start asking about babies during the rehearsal dinner. Prepare yourself with a vague but friendly response, e.g. "Oh, you'll just have to wait and see [giggle]." 
• I used this book to get in shape for my wedding dress. Loved it! It's okay to tear off the cover of the book if it shames you (I did).
• There will be changes to the guest list the week before the wedding. That's okay. We had one table with six chairs and only two guests! Nathan and I were worried for those guests, but they loved it. They had left their young kids at home and were thrilled to enjoy a fancy date night.
• If you can start the ceremony at 5 p.m., that means you can have a leisurely morning and you won't be frantic as you get dressed.
• Make sure you are in a committed relationship with your deodorant. Have an entire extra tube on stand-by in case the company that makes your deodorant goes out of business and there is a worldwide shortage.
• Prepare a wedding day kit with things like floss and tampons. Even if your period is not due for two weeks, you need to be prepared - stranger things have happened!
• It's okay to have a small wedding party. In fact, this can cut down on the headaches.

Whew! I think that's enough wedding advice, don't you agree? If you read this entire post, congratulations: you are really lame; yes, it's time to make some new friends or get a hobby.

Unsolicited Advice For Brides-To-Be: Something Will Go Wrong

Have I ever told you about the time that I saw my calligrapher in her underpants? 

A professional calligrapher addressed our wedding invitations. Since she lived in Pasadena, I was able to drop the invitations off at her apartment. When the invitations were ready to go, we agreed that I would pick them up at her apartment on  Monday morning at 8 a.m.

At 8 a.m., I was standing outside the calligrapher's door, knocking. No answer. I knocked again, and again, and again. No answer, no answer, no answer. I called her cell phone and left a message. After some more knocking and some more not answering, I finally gave up.

Then, as I was leaving, the calligrapher opened her door, said "Sorry!" and scurried away. As I turned back to the apartment, I saw my calligrapher racing back to her bedroom, wearing only a very short t-shirt and a pair of very saggy underpants. As in, "so saggy, I saw more than a glimpse of my calligrapher's butt cheeks." 

I have seen plenty of naked women in gym locker rooms, but I was not prepared to see my calligrapher in her undies. If it was me, I would have (1) shouted an apology, (2) put on my pants, and then (3) opened the door. But that's just me. Maybe my calligrapher is a nudist and she felt overdressed in her undies. 

The vision of my calligrapher in her saggy undies is forever burned into my memory, but at least the invitations were addressed and ready to mail. In planning and preparing the wedding, everything did not go smoothly - but it got done. 

And then, on our wedding day, little things went wrong. For example, when Nathan and I were introduced as an official couple to our guests, the DJ was supposed to play the James Bond theme song. Instead, he played the Star Wars theme. The horror! The horror! I could have thrown a tantrum and decked the DJ with my bouquet, but I was too happy to care about the music.

You can stress all you want about your wedding day, but here's the truth: something will go wrong. In fact, many things will probably go wrong. Accept this now, or you'll give yourself a nervous breakdown as you walk down the aisle. You can't control the weather; you can't stop Uncle Barry from drinking all the vodka; and it's not your fault if someone hates carrot cake. 

But, if you're lucky, you won't see your calligrapher in her saggy underpants.

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-To-Be: Tan Lines

When I started to write this post, I did not know if "tan lines" was spelled as one or two words.  I guessed it was just one word but Google proved me wrong.  I also discovered there is a very thorough Wikipedia entry for tan lines.  I can't decide if it's a joke  entry or not, but I now know more about tan lines than I thought possible.  (And at least someone at Wikipedia has a sense of humor).

Some brides go to great measures to look tanned for their wedding day.  They sunbathe for hours and visit those spray tanning booths.  I know the spray tan booths are safe and won't give me cancer, but I also know that if I went, my experience would be similar to the Friends episode when Ross tried to get a tan. 

Here's the advice portion of this post: you need to make a decision about your tanning status several months before the wedding.  If you want a nice tan, figure out how to achieve that glow well in advance of the happy day.  Don't visit a spray tan booth for the first time a week before your wedding!

If you are naturally pale, embrace your paleness!  Your groom fell in love with you, paleness and all, and he doesn't expect you to become a different person for your wedding.  (If he does, you need to dump that jerk immediately if not sooner).  But if you are going to be pale on your wedding day, you need to be aware of tan lines and how they will look with your gown.

I myself am a pale vampire.   If I sit in the sun for too long, I turn to ash. I apply sunblock religiously, even on rainy days. When I'm out in the garden, I wear a big absurd sun hat.  For my wedding, I decided to be my usual, pale self. 

My dress was strapless with a low back and floor length skirt.  This meant my legs were on their own.  There could be zebra-stripe tan lines on my thighs, for all I cared.  But my arms, back, shoulders, neck and collarbone region?  I had to keep that zone an even shade of pale.

And thus began a constant war, Courtney vs. the Sun.  For several months, I carried sunblock with me everywhere and reapplied it obsessively.  I avoided the sun and if I was outside, I took long detours just to stay in the shade.  If I wanted to swim outside, I wore a strapless swimsuit.

Be aware of your skin tone and the amount of time you spend in the sun (unless you think a farmer's tan is hot).  But also know that a tan line is not going to ruin your wedding or marriage.  I stopped paying attention to my sun exposure about two days before the wedding and had a faint tan line as I exchanged wedding vows with Nathan.  But you know what?  The wedding was still perfect, tan lines and all.

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings. My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me. Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice. Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure.

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: Have A Miniature Fan On Hand In Case You Get Sweaty

Before our July wedding ceremony, I hid in a small room.  It was a hot July day, and the room had no ventilation and no air conditioning. I started to sweat immediately. 

Lucky for me, my Aunt Pam saved the day with a portable, battery-operated fan.  Otherwise, when it was time to say our vows, I would have looked (and smelled) like a sweaty beast. Thank you, Aunt Pam! 

I don't care if you are getting married in Iceland or Antartica: you must make sure you have a miniature fan to keep you cool and composed.  The air conditioning might break.  It might be unseasonably warm.  Or, maybe you will just start to sweat rivers when you realize you have to walk down the aisle in a few minutes without tripping.  Do you really want to be worrying about sweaty armpits as your groom slips the ring on your finger?  

You should probably have portable fans and spare batteries for all of your bridesmaids.  That way, they can surround you and cool you off from every direction, like an emperor encircled by concubines with palm branches.  (If you are trying to channel the feeling of a Biblical brothel for your wedding day, I suppose you could just get palm fronds instead of fans for the bridesmaids... but even I admit that would be really, really strange).

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings. My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me. Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice. Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure.

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: Write A Honeymoon Packing List Immediately (If Not Sooner)

If you are engaged and planning to take a honeymoon that involves a suitcase, I want you to stop whatever you are doing right now.  Unless you are presently dealing with a matter of life or death, in which case, (a) carry on with whatever it is you are doing and (b) why are you reading my blog?  Shouldn't you be dealing with this urgent matter of life or death?  I assure you, the answers to your life/death dilemma cannot be found on The Cranky Pumpkin.

Now, open a new document in your word processor.  Type the words "Honeymoon Packing List."  This is the title of your document.  If you are feeling all fancy pants, you can pick a fun font for your list, like Broadway or Stencil.  I like to use fonts that look like vintage typewriters, but that's just me.  The success of your list does not depend on what font you use.  Times New Roman will work just fine.  Now, save your document as "Honeymoon Packing List."

Still with me?  Okay, good.  Now start listing things you will need to pack for your honeymoon: jeans; sunblock; shit, I'm not writing this list for you.  You know the sorts of thing you have to pack.  If I have to tell you what to pack, I'm sorry, but you have forfeited your right to (a) go on a honeymoon, (b) have a wedding, and (c) be treated as a fully functional human being. 

Just list everything you think you might want to pack.  You might also want to list the things you want your future husband to pack.  (Important marriage tip: if you want your husband to wear his green polo shirt during your honeymoon sunset cruise, tell him.  The wedding band does not impart psychic powers.  Sorry). 

In the months leading up to your wedding, you might think of additional things that you want to bring on your honeymoon.  For example, you might be waiting in line at the grocery store when you have an epiphany: Holy crap!  I need to pack spare batteries for my digital camera when we go on our honeymoon!

Do not panic.  Just write yourself a note or send yourself an email about the spare batteries.  When you have time, add "spare batteries for digital camera" to your honeymoon packing list.

By the time your honeymoon rolls around, you will have a comprehensive list of all the things you have to pack.  You will be exhausted from your wedding, but that's okay.  Armed with your list, you can go on autopilot and your suitcase will practically pack itself. 

Do this now.  Trust me.  Otherwise, you'll forget to pack something crucial.  Like clean underwear.  And do you really want to spend the first day of your honeymoon shopping for undies with your new husband?  I think not.

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings. My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me. Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice. Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure.

If You Make Me Look Like An Ugly Drag Queen On Your Wedding Day, I'll Kill You

Spucky, as you may recall, this is what we looked like on my wedding day (reminder: you're the lady in green):

You were my maid of honor, and as the bride, I could have been a bitch and made you wear The Most Unflattering Dress In The World.  

But I didn't.  Look at you.  I mean seriously, look at how amazing you look in that green dress.  I hope that dress gets a lot of use this summer because damn, it was designed for you. 

When you are a bride, you may choose unflattering dresses for your bridesmaids, like a shiny orange dress that makes everyone, including Miss America, look like a fat deranged pumpkin.  Maybe it will make you feel extra beautiful if you are surrounded by a crowd of ugly women.  And hey, it's your wedding, so if you want bridesmaids in fluorescent dresses with unflattering bows, go for it.

But if you choose to be a bride who makes her bridesmaids wear butt ugly dresses, everyone will know.  All of you wedding guests will think: "That Katherine sure is a bitchy insecure bride.  Look at those awful dresses she made her bridesmaids wear."  And your bridesmaids might smile and pretend they like the dress, but they are lying and secretly plotting your death or at least a way to mortify you in public. 

Take the high road.  Let your bridesmaids feel beautiful, even if it is your special day.  If you choose a tacky awful bridesmaid dress, that's the only thing anyone will remember about your wedding.

Also, if you make me look like a fat ugly prostitute, I will kill you. 

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings. My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me. Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice. Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure.

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: This Is Not Your Last Opportunity To Buy Stationary (Seriously)

When choosing your wedding invitation, I just want you to remember one thing: this is not the last opportunity in your life to buy stationary.

It can feel that way.  It can feel like Oh my god I'm getting married and my wedding stationary needs to be amazing and I need to pick the best f***ing stationary in the world and that stationary must reflect the geography of my soul while also conveying the spirit of the wedding.  Choosing your wedding stationary can feel like the most intensely important thing in the world ... but it's not.  Remember, your Inner Bridezilla is a crazy bitch who is not always the most rational creature.

You don't have to find your Stationary Soulmate.  You found Mr. Right, and he's the only soulmate you need.  Here's my rule of thumb about wedding invitations: it needs to be one click above "not ugly."  That's it.  You can do better if you like, but so long as your invitation is "better than not ugly," you've chosen well. 

If you have a soft spot for stationary and get weak knees at the sight of a letterpress card, have no fear!  You get to choose lots of fun stationary FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.  There will be Christmas cards, birthday cards, birth announcements and thank you notes (because momma raised you right).  You can send "We Moved!" postcards and Valentine cards.  And holy crap, did you know you can send someone a pretty card for no reason at all?  You can! 

It might seem like your wedding invitations will be The Best Stationary You Ever Buy In Your Entire Life.  Guess what?  Not true.  Unless you are marrying a billionaire, your wedding will have a budget.  And guess what?  Wedding invitations get really expensive, really fast.  You might find an awesome invitation that turns into a musical light show, but if it costs $30 a pop, and you are inviting more than five people to your wedding ... you can see where I'm going with this. 

But let's say you find the most inspiring birthday or holiday card that costs $8.  Guess what?  Yes, $8 is a lot to spend on a card, but if you buy just one, it will probably not send you to bankruptcy court.  (Please note: my blog posts should not be read as legal or financial advice). 

So don't agonize about finding your Stationary Soulmate.  If you have a Stationary Soulmate, I guarantee he's not a wedding invitation.  He's a birthday card or a really cool postcard of Berlin.

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings. My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me. Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice. Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure.

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: Don't Be A Hungover Bride

Do not be a hungover bride.  Do not be a hungover bride.  This is very important and I cannot repeat it enough: DO NOT BE A HUNGOVER BRIDE.

I'm not going to tell you how much or what to drink the day before your wedding.  Only you know your limits and the effect alcohol has on your body.  Maybe you can drink a bottle or two of wine and wake up feeling like a healthy princess.  Or maybe you will feel wretched for an entire week if you even smell a whiff of vodka.  I don't know.  The point is this: know and respect your limits.

Maybe you think you can get drunk during the rehearsal dinner and shake it off the next morning.  Fine.  But what do you have to do to minimize your hangover?  Do you have to drink a gallon of Gatorade and eat six cheeseburgers?  Before you go on a bender, think about how much you want to eat and drink on the Big Day.  Can your dress camouflage a cheeseburger gut? Can your bladder handle a gallon of Gatorade?  Or are you going to need to pee/vomit during the vows?

Decide before your rehearsal dinner how much you are going to drink.  Our rehearsal dinner was at a Mexican restaurant that serves my favorite margaritas.  I could have easily imbibed an entire pitcher by myself, but then I would have been a zombie bride.  I indulged in one margarita and then switched to water. 

Don't be a hungover zombie bride who smells a little bit like vomit.  If you puke on the minister's shoes, that moment will be captured and posted on YouTube.  Forever.

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings.  My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me.  Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice.  Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure. 

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: Wait A Few Days for Your Honeymoon

Nathan and I got married on a Saturday, and we left for our Maui honeymoon the following Tuesday.  If it is even remotely within the realm of possibility, do not leave for your honeymoon until a few days after your wedding.

The wedding was fun but EXHAUSTING.  We were worn out.  If we had left for Maui the day after our wedding, we would have just spent the first 48 hours of our honeymoon sleeping.  And hey, I have nothing against sleeping, but I can sleep at home.  When I'm staying at the Four Seasons in Maui, I want to at least have the energy to walk to the beach and float in the ocean.  But if I had tried swimming in the ocean the day after our wedding, I would have drowned.  The waves would have just carried me out to sea and I would have been a story on the evening news: Bride Carried  Out to Sea During Honeymoon Because She Was Too Damned To Swim.

More importantly, because we delayed our honeymoon until Tuesday, we were also able to take care of some errands before our trip.  About a week before our wedding, our sprinkler system crapped out on us.  The sprinklers are run by an automatic timer system, and our plumber broke that system.  (The fact that the plumber was in our basement a week before the wedding is another fun story). 

We could not get the sprinklers to turn on manually.  I spent hours circling our house, trying to solve this mystery because seriously, there must be a way to turn on the sprinklers manually.  But to this day, I have no idea where our manual sprinkler switch is.

The week before our wedding, Nathan did not have time to fix the sprinkler system.  And if I had tried, bad things would have happened.  I don't mean "bad" as in "breaking a fingernail."  I mean "bad" as in "flooding the entire house."  So the sprinklers stayed broken, and I watered the lawn with a hose to keep it alive in the summer heat.

Thank god for the two-day buffer between our wedding and honeymoon.  If we had left for Maui the day after our nuptials, we would not have had time to deal with the sprinkler system crisis and our lawn would have turned to ash while we were honeymooning.  But instead, we had time for our first Home Depot field trip as a married couple.  When you are a newlywed, even Home Depot feels romantic.  (Then we went to Wal-mart to stock up on sunblock.  Wal-mart?  Never romantic). 

Now Spucky, I know you are 23 years old and this doesn't sound like a big deal to you.  Oh no, the sprinklers broke!  Whatever will we do if the front lawn dies?  But talk to me again in five or ten years when you have a front lawn and a husband, and you will understand the gravity of this situation.  If our front lawn had died, a little piece of Nathan's soul would have died with it.  And if we had been in Maui while the front lawn was dying, he would have been stressed and constantly wondering about the lawn's health.  Take my word on this: when you are honeymooning, you do not want your new husband to be having a continuous nervous breakdown regarding the front yard. 

So do yourself a favor: wait a couple of days before you leave for your honeymoon.  In the days and even weeks before the wedding, you will spend an ungodly amount of time attending to wedding tasks.  It doesn't matter how organized you are or how much you get done in advance.  You will spend all of your free time either (a) putting out wedding-related fires or (b) recovering from the stress of the latest wedding-related fire.  You will not have time for Normal Life Stuff.

Maybe you will get lucky, and you won't have any errands or chores that need your attention between the wedding and honeymoon.  If that's the case: congratulations!  Go take your groom to the movies and gorge yourself on popcorn and candy.  Now that the wedding is over, you don't have to worry about fitting into your dress.

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings.  My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me.  Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice.  Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure. 

Unsolicited Advice For Brides-to-Be: You Have To Be In A Committed Relationship With Your Deodorant

You trust your groom.  But do you trust your deodorant? 

Spucky, I know your to-do list is formidable, but I need you to take a moment and think about your armpits.  Are they sweaty?  Are they smelly?  Did your deodorant stain your favorite cardigan last week? 

And maybe your armpits are well-behaved right now, as you sit in an air conditioned office and drink a refreshing iced beverage.  But what are they like at 1 a.m. in a crowded bar?  What are they like at midnight after you have spent all night dancing in a bridesmaid dress? What are they like when you are doing something really stressful? 

You need to make sure that on the Big Day, your deodorant is going to do its job.  You have to be 100% certain of this.  Not 80% certain.  Not 95% certain.  Not 99.99% certain.  You need to be ONE FREAKING HUNDRED PERCENT certain that your deodorant will keep your armpits gloriously fresh until the bitter end of the reception.

If you are harboring even a scintilla of doubt about your deodorant, it is time to start auditioning new brands.  Have faith.  If you persevere, and keep an open mind, you will find your soulmate deodorant.  Hey, maybe you need to use a generic brand in ugly packaging or something made from organic goji berries.  Maybe your armpits are crying for man deodorant.  There are tons of options.  When it comes to choosing a deodorant for the Big Day, don't settle for something that will crap out on you halfway through the reception.

The Holy Grail of deodorants is Fresh Sugar Roll-On Deodorant Antiperspirant.  As I write this, it retails for $18.  That might seem like a lot of money for a stick of deodorant, but it is made from crushed unicorn horns and stardust.  Okay, that's a lie.  I made that up.  But this stuff is so good, it might as well be made from unicorn horns and stardust. 

Spucky, please, do not neglect your deodorant.  No one wants to be the bride with sweaty armpits.

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings.  My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me.  Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice.  Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure. 

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: No One Cares About the Escort Cards

These are the escort cards from my wedding:

Let's take a closer look:

Look at the love and attention that went into these escort cards.  We could have just printed a sheet that listed everyone's table assignment, but no, we had individual cards.  With pink ribbons!  Green stamped hearts!  And keys!  Old vintage keys!

Let me tell you about those keys.  I spent an ungodly amount of time searching for those keys.  I found online stores that specialize in old keys, but their product seemed too expensive and sterile.  (Yes, I actually thought the keys were "sterile" - that's how crazy a bride can get).  I went to antique shops in Pasadena and discovered that their keys were even more expensive.  So I scoured eBay and finally found a legally-blind retired locksmith selling sets of pretty keys at a reasonable price.

Even then, I hesitated.  The keys were uncut.  If you take a closer look at the photos, you might notice that the bottom notch for each key is flat.  The keys were never actually used for a lock.  The horror!  The horror!  I spent weeks, freaking weeks, agonizing over whether the wedding guests would think I was a fraud for using uncut keys with the escort cards.  Finally, I realized I was being bridezilla about the stupidest detail imaginable, and I bought the keys.

I think the keys looked lovely on their display board but ... nobody cared.  My wedding guests still compliment me on my dress, the venue, the photobooth, the sweets table, and the basket of free flip-flops we provided as "spare dancing shoes."  But the escort cards?  I have not heard a word, positive or negative, about the freaking escort cards.  I'm sure most people threw their key out, and I bet some guests were annoyed that they had to hold an antique key during the cocktail hour. 

On the plus side, if I ever start collecting antique keys, I will have a sentimental reason to justify the new hobby.  But, if you are planning a wedding, and you are trying how to devote your time and resources, here's my word advice: spend no more than two minutes thinking about the escort cards (and even that amount of time is probably excessive).

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings.  My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me.  Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice.  Instead, I'm writing blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure. 

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: You Don't Have To Decide What You Want to Do Right Away

Nathan and I got engaged on July 13, 2010, and we got married one year later on July 23, 2011.  We had a wedding with approximately 100 guests, but we did not decide to have that wedding until January 2011 - six months after we got engaged, and six months before I walked down the aisle.

During the first six months of our engagement, our wedding plans changed about a dozen times.  We were going to have a wedding, no wait, we were going to elope.  We were going to have a very small wedding, and then a big reception after the honeymoon.  No, wait, let's just have the wedding.  No, wait, let's elope.  Shit!

Nathan wanted to do whatever I wanted to do.  This is every bride's dream except... I had no idea what I wanted!  Before the proposal, I knew I wanted to spend my life with Nathan, but I had given almost zero thought to the wedding itself.

As a little girl, I never dreamed about my wedding.  I didn't stage weddings for my stuffed animals or draw pictures of brides.  My stuffed animals were usually stranded on a desert island and trying to escape from an evil witch; and in the second grade, I was obsessed with drawing haunted mansions.  

By the time Nathan proposed, I had been to many weddings and I had some idea about what I would want to do if I had a wedding.  But I had not given any thought to whether I wanted a big wedding, no wedding, or something in between.

I needed time to wrap my mind around all the options and decide what option was best for us.  But from the day we got engaged, everyone wanted to know what we were doing.  They were especially interested in the when and the where.  For me, it was overwhelming.  I felt obligated to decide all of the logistics for our wedding just because people wanted to know.  In the rush to make a decision, we came dangerously close to getting married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.  (Seriously, for three days in November 2010, that was the plan). 

In retrospect, I realize it was okay to take some time to mull over the decision.  But at the time, I felt bad that I hadn't planned my dream wedding when I was five years old.  Spucky, if you know what you want your wedding to be like from the moment you get engaged, that's awesome.  But if you don't, that is also awesome.  If you want to elope and get married by Elvis, please take lots of photos. But don't get married by Elvis just because you feel pressured to make a decision.

Spucky, I am writing these blog posts to share my wedding advice with you.  But I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize.  When you get engaged, I will be bat shit crazy excited and I will want to know what you are doing, immediately.  I'm sorry!  I will be obnoxiously excited because I love you.  I will want to know all of the wedding details so I can mark my calendar and block out the entire month before your nuptials for errands, pedicures and meltdowns. 

But if you need a few days, weeks, or months to decide how you want to get married, give yourself that time.  It's not like you are buying a pair of shoes.  You are planning your wedding.  You and your groom should not make a decision about your wedding just for the sake of making a decision.     

I got married in July 2011, and now I have lots of opinions about weddings.  My baby sister Katherine (aka Spucky) is ten years younger than me.  Someday, she will get engaged and I will want to go into crazy big sister mode and inundate her with advice.  Instead, I'm writing these blog posts so when she gets engaged, she can read (or not read) my advice at her leisure. 

Unsolicited Advice for Brides-to-Be: You Have to Send A Thank You Note ASAP, End of Discussion

Last summer, Nathan and I had our wedding, and it was just wonderful.  Now that I have planned a wedding and reception, I have opinions.  Lots of opinions.  I've decided to write a series of blog posts to immortalize my opinions. 

I'm writing these blog posts for my baby sister (who I call Spucky - it's a long story).  Someday, Spucky will get married.  And I will want to go into "Annoying Overly Opinionated Big Sister" mode and tell her everything I know about weddings.  But instead of making her listen to my inane ramblings, I will just tell her, "Hey, Spucky, I wrote some blog posts about weddings."  Then I can send her the link to the posts, and she can pretend she read and valued all my opinions.  It's a win-win: I get to share my opinions, and my little sister does not actually have to listen to them.   (Hey, Spucky: you're welcome).

First up: thank you notes.

Spucky, you have to send thank you notes ASAP.  I've heard some "etiquette experts" say that thank you notes just need to be sent within a year of the wedding.  This is bullshit.  Some lazy asshole bride made this rule up years ago to make herself feel better.

Don't be a lazy asshole bride.  Thank you notes must be sent within one month of receipt of the gift. 

These days, most gifts are delivered to your front door.  You need to send a thank you note so the gift giver knows the gift was not lost in the mail or stolen.  For example, I have not received a thank you note for a gift I sent to a bride and groom ten months ago, and I have no idea what happened.  I feel rude asking "hey, did you ever get that gift I sent you."   So, instead, I assume they are rude effers.  Seriously, I spent $100 on a gift - they need to take two minutes to send a card. 

If you have to write 100 thank you notes in one sitting, it's an overwhelming pain in the ass.  But your gifts will arrive on a rolling basis.  If you send out the thank you notes as the gifts arrive, then you will only have to write a few at a time.  Just keep your stationary, stamps and address labels in an easily accessible spot and make a habit of sending out thank you notes every two weeks.  You will be a Thank You Note Rock Star and everyone will think you are incredibly thoughtful and courteous.

Have fun with the thank you notes.  After my shower, I had to write about 25 thank you notes in one sitting (that was a pain in the ass).  I used Yoda thank you notes for some good friends who would appreciate the Star Wars humor. 

Make the decision early on to stay on top of the thank you notes, and they will never feel like a burden.  (Except after your shower, but a glass of wine and some Yoda thank you notes will ease that burden quickly).