Some Random Olympics Thoughts

Random Olympics Thought No. 1
The things that the female gymnasts can do on the balance beam are just unbelievable. I could maybe walk from one end of the balance beam to the other without falling off, but I would have to concentrate really hard and use both arms to balance (and there would still be at least a 65% chance that I'd fall off). But the gymnasts don't just walk across the balance beam; they flip, jump and tumble around. I can't even perform those feats on the ground. (Hell, I couldn't even begin to perform those feats on the ground, even if I was assisted by a harness, several trainers, and a few wizards).

Random Olympics Thought No. 2
I'd love to be a fly on the wall in the Olympic Village for just an hour, because I have many questions: How does one Olympic athlete flirt with another athlete? Do they ever play Spin the Bottle? Do they have their own lame pickup lines? Do the gold medalists only pair off with their fellow gold medalists?

And then I have questions that do not pertain to romance: Do the athletes wear their medals around the Village? What countries are the cool athletes from? Is the Olympic Village like a discotheque at all hours of the night, or do they enforce a strict bedtime? Do they pull summer camp pranks, like shorting the sheets and putting someone's hand in warm water to make them pee in their sleep?


Random Olympics Thought No. 3
I just don't get volleyball.

The Sports Book

I once recommended an out-of-print book (The Disenchanted, by Budd Shulberg) during a job interview. The interviewer was like the human equivalent of a tennis ball machine set to the fastest setting, and he kept firing weird questions: What's your favorite restaurant? What is the best MP3 you've ever illegally downloaded? Where would you like to travel next?  When he asked What's the best book you've recently read, I swung my racket as quickly as possibly and said, The Disenchanted, except wait, it's out of print, so you'll have to find a copy on eBay.   

The Tennis Ball Machine Interviewer laughed so hard, I thought I was going to have to summon the paramedics. Then he called me "pretentious." Every since then, I've been careful to only recommend books that are easily available at any bookstore.

Today however, I must break that rule, because I must recommend The Sports Book from DK Publishing. The book describes the rules and tactics for more than 200 sports. It's been invaluable in the Cranky Pumpkin household during the Olympics. I know the rules for sports like basketball and baseball, but water polo just looked like mayhem in a pool. Now I know the rules and can better appreciate the sport. Did you know that only the goalie can touch the bottom of the pool? And the players can only hold the ball with one hand? What a sport! I'd drown within the first minute.

The Sports Book is out of print, and that's a shame, but it seems to be priced reasonably enough on Amazon. The book is covered with astro turf, making it a great gift for the sports lover in your life. Besides, who doesn't need to know the rules for Shinty, a field hockey/lacrosse style game that originated in the Highlands of Scotland? And don't get me started on Sepak Takraw, which is also known as "kick volleyball" or Parkour, which looks like an urban obstacle course for acrobats.  (I'm not inventing any of these sports. If you don't believe me, just buy The Sports Book already).

Why Do Baseball Players Wear White Pants?

I don't understand why the baseball uniform includes white pants.  I'm sure there's a good reason for the "white pants norm", but they still seem pretty stupid to me. 

How much bleach is used every year to keep the white baseball pants looking white?  It's probably enough bleach to fill a small ocean. 

Wouldn't it make more sense for baseball players to wear brown pants?  That way, they could slide in the dirt all day, stains be damned.  And the mothers of Little League players across the world could rejoice and cancel their memberships with the Bleach-of-the-Month Club.