The Great Sugar Detox of 2012

Earlier this year, I conquered my caffeine addiction - and I feel great!  I feel less edgy, sleep better, and have more energy.  But most noticeably, my face looks better.  My skin feels softer and smoother; I get fewer zits; and there's less redness in my cheeks.  (In my case, the "redness" was like "the unhealthy flushing of a fat ass," and not " the pleasant blush of a cheerleader.")

Now I'm ready to tackle my sugar addiction.  I know I will be healthier and happier if I can cut back on my sugar intake.  But I'm an addict, so I need to purge the sugar from my system.  

I have no idea what my sugar detox will entail.  Should I just eliminate white sugar from my diet?  Or should I also eliminate things like honey and dried fruit?  Fruit has sugar, but I'll be damned if I'm giving up my blueberries and watermelon.

I don't intend to break-up with sugar forever, but I think I need to detox for awhile in order to control my sweet tooth.  Right now, I crave dessert daily, and by "dessert" I mean "ice cream, cake, and pie."  I'd like to get to a place where I can have a sugary treat once or twice a week (and maybe, eventually, once or twice a month - but I'm not yet emotionally prepared to think that way).  But how do I get there?  Should I eliminate sugar for a week?  A month?  Or maybe I should start with baby steps and just take this day by day?

And how will I feel without sugar?  Energized?  Lethargic?  Giddy?  Depressed?  Will I start preaching the Gospel of Sugar Detox?  Or should I just crawl into a ditch right now and die?

Wish me luck.  If you hear about a Pasadena woman who gets arrested for engaging in lewd acts in public with a cupcake, you can safely assume it was me having a meltdown.

I Had My Last Sip of Caffeine On Friday, March 2

And I feel great!  I first tried quitting caffeine at the beginning of the year.  That attempt did not go so well.  If anything, it just aggravated my addiction.

But on the afternoon of Friday, March 2, 2012, I snapped.  I did not want any more caffeine or soda.  So I quit, cold turkey, knowing I would be dismembered by the wrath of the Caffeine Withdrawal Gods.

But the Caffeine Withdrawal Gods must have been torturing some other poor soul.  I've had a few headaches, but they were all easily dispatched with ibuprofin.  I've also fallen asleep by 9 p.m. a few nights, and that's it.  I thought I was going to be curled up in the fetal position, weeping and cursing the heavens.  Instead, I got some headaches and the sleepies. 

Since my break-up with caffeine and diet soda, I have had some strange cravings.  For example, I've been craving brown rice and tofu.  Brown rice and tofu!  When I go to the grocery store, I just stand and stare at the vegetables.  I want to buy all of the vegetables and eat them at once.  And then, I bought myself a sugar-free, lactose-free ice cream at Wholefoods and it was delicious.

What's happening to me?  I feel like I've been possessed by an organic farmer/yoga instructor/vegan.  I don't want to be a vegan!  If that happens, I'm buying myself a case of Diet Soda and going on a caffeine bender.

Caffeine Withdrawal: It's Like Having the Flu

If I ever write my memoirs, a long chapter will be devoted to my tortured relationship with caffeine.  I first became addicted to caffeine in high school thanks to a Pepsi machine located near my locker.  Since then, I have quit and then become readdicted to caffeine at least a dozen times.

Last summer, before I got married, I controlled my addiction and was down to one can of diet soda every morning.  During our honeymoon, I stayed clean.  Who needs caffeine in Maui?  Then, we returned to Pasadena and normal life.  Things went to hell in a hand basket.

By December, I was imbibing at least 100 ounces of diet soda every day.  (Probably more).  I know, from experience, that when I am living a caffeine-free lifestyle, I glow with energy and health.  Caffeine-free Courtney is a much better person than Caffeinated Courtney.  For example, when I'm consuming too much caffeine, I suffer from debilitating periods and PMS.  When I'm clean, the PMS disappears.  

There are two ways to quit caffeine: cold turkey or gradually.  I am not brave enough for the cold turkey approach, so I cut back to 24 ounces of diet soda every day.  In a couple of weeks, when my body has adjusted to the caffeine reduction, I'll start to wean myself, ounce by ounce.  By the end of February, I should be decaffeinated.

But right now, things completely suck.

Even though I'm still consuming a significant amount of caffeine, my body is going through some serious freaking caffeine withdrawal.  It feels like I'm getting the flu.  I have body aches and I'm exhausted, as if I ran a marathon without a day of training.  I am dehydrated, as if I've been crawling through a desert for days.  Two nights ago, I woke up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat and for about five minutes, all color drained from my face. 

I have had some headaches, but miraculously, they are manageable. 

This article about caffeine withdrawal has been uber-comforting.  In the comments, readers post about their symptoms, including depression, fatigue, body aches, upset stomachs, joint pain, restless legs, fevers, and nausea.  When I woke up at 3 a.m. and felt like I was going to die, I read through the comments of the article and confirmed this is just caffeine withdrawal, which sucks, but no need to go to the ER. 

Right now, I am suffering, but my physical ailments are actually encouraging.  If the caffeine withdrawal makes me feel this crappy, then what the hell was the caffeine doing to my body?  I'm excited for the morning that I wake up and do not need a single sip of the poison.

Why Is It So Difficult To Get A Cup Of Decaffeinated Coffee In The Afternoon?

I rarely drink caffeinated coffee, and I never drink coffee with caffeine in the afternoon (unless my goal is to stay awake until dawn). 

Many years ago, during a business lunch at a chilly restaurant, I ordered a cup of decaffeinated coffee.  One of my colleagues shook his head and asked, “What’s the point of decaffeinated coffee?”  He really could not fathom why a sane human being would voluntarily drink decaffeinated coffee.  I explained, very slowly, “Because I like the taste of coffee but do not want the caffeine.” 

Coffee is the perfect treat: warm, satisfying, and calorie free.  Yes, I drink my coffee with a splash of milk, but hey, a woman needs her calcium. 

Sometimes, I stop at Starbucks in the afternoon.  I just want a grande decaffeinated coffee because I need to consume something and coffee is better than a Snickers bar (by better, I mean the cup of coffee has fewer calories.  If I was naturally skinny, I would of course choose the Snickers bar).  When I order my beverage, the barrista looks at me with equal parts scorn and horror and says something like, “We stop brewing decaffeinated coffee at 2 p.m.  Would you like a decaf Americano?”  No, actually, I do not want a decaf Americano, thank you very much; if I wanted a decaf Americano, that’s what I would have ordered in the first place.

The unavailability of decaffeinated coffee in the afternoon makes no sense to me.  Is everyone really drinking caffeinated coffee at 4 p.m.?  Doesn’t anyone want to enjoy the flavor of coffee and still be able to fall asleep before midnight?  Am I the only person in America who orders a decaffeinated coffee in the afternoon?

Fortunately, there is Peet’s. Good, reliable Peet’s with its delicious and strong coffee.  I can walk into my local Peet’s at any hour of the day and order a cup of decaffeinated coffee.  Nobody judges me, nobody questions my sanity.   Thank you, Peet’s, for accepting me just the way I am.